CSB’s Exclusive Interview With Wasilla Hunk Levi Johnston: The Impregnation, The Stubble and Hockey Shin Guards in the Bedroom

Carbolic Smoke Ball’s founder emeritus Judge Rufus Peckham sat down with Levi Johnston, the 18-year-old paramour of Bristol Palin, 17, Sarah Palin’s oldest daughter, for an exclusive interview yesterday.  “I walked into the restaurant where I was supposed to meet Levi, and I caught a waft of the most delightful aroma.  And, damn, wouldn’t you know it — it was Levi!  I had forgotten that nowadays, what with all their primping and preening the boys smell better than the girls.  But I tell you in all truth, it was delightful.”

Here is the unedited transcript of this historic event:

JP: OK, Jerry, turn on the tape recorder and let’s get this over with.  Testing, one, two, three, testing.  OK, Levi Johnston, I’m Judge Peckham.  Have you ever had your deposition taken?

LJ: No.

JP: Well, you’re in for a treat.  First up, on everybody’s mind, describe for us with particularity how you impregnated Bristol.  Was it missionary style?  Was it –

LJ:  Well, dude, like, let me just say . . .

JP:  Excuse me, Levi.  Excuse me.  Um, that’s a no-no, OK?  A big no-no.  You never, and I mean never, interrupt me in my courtroom.

LJ: Well, like we’re in a restaurant . . .

JP: . . . so how about if I finish the very astute question I was about to ask and then you can mumble some dumb teenage guy answer, how about that?  What I was asking was, did you knock her up missionary style?  And was it, perhaps, a mistake — maybe, oh, a bad condom?  Tell us what happened.

LJ: Well, I think that’s, like, kind of private.

JP: OK, turn off the tape recorder, Jerry. Turn it off.  I need to set Harry Potter straight here about something.  Jerry, go hang outside for a second — take up smoking again, would you?  Thanks.  OK, you little bastard, don’t you ever embarrass me in front of my staff again, do you hear me?  Ever!  I mean, do you have any idea who I am?

LJ: . . . Well, yeah, man . . .

JP:  . . . Do you have any idea?  Because I don’t think you do, OK?  When I ask a f*cking question, you just sit there and give me the f*cking answer.  Kapish?  [Judge Peckham slaps Levi across the face]

LJ: Hey, man . . .

JP: Because if it happens again, I’m going to slit your throat open.  Trust me, I’ve done it before, and I enjoy it.  OK, now that we have an understanding let’s go back on the record.  Jerry!  Get in here, you fat tub of lard.  I saw you out there – don’t you know smoking’s bad for your health?  OK, let’s go back on the record.  Now Levi, the baby that your virile unmarried sperm helped create is due December 18, right?

LJ: That’s right.

JP: I mean, you being the father and all that, do you plan to teach this kid how to be a redneck, like – remember how you had that Web site where bragged about being a redneck?

LJ: Well, that was just a joke.

JP: Oh, that was just a joke, was it?  Oh, I guess maybe there aren’t too many black Eskimos in the Wasilla ghetto, because if there were, you know, you’d understand that it wasn’t funny; it was cruel, heartless and vile, you wretched bigot.  OK, that aside: Are you going to tell your new child how you bragged all over the Internet that you don’t want kids?  Remember that?  I mean, if you don’t tell your kid that’s how you feel, I will.  Trust me, I’ll be back here when the kid is old enough to understand so I can tell him what a f*cking prick his father is.

LJ: Hey, man, I hope, like, you’re joking here . . .

JP: Well, let me ask you this: do I look like I’m joking, Levi?  A f*cking prick!  That’s you, Levi!  I mean, you may be some big hunka hunka in Wasilla, or wherever the f*ck you’re from, with that little stubble thing going on on your face, but I gotta newsflash for you son: I ain’t swooning over you like some little Eskimo cheerleader.

LJ: OK, like, can we just go on with the interview here, I have to get going soon.

JP: Get going soon?  What, to knock up another high school chick?  That’s what you young men call them nowadays, “chicks.” right? I mean, they’re not “young ladies,” like they were in my day, are they?

LJ: OK, OK, man, can you just . . . cool it a bit?  I mean, this is making me a little nervous.  Can you just chill?

JP:  Now we’ll do a series of yes or no questions.  You’re a high school dropout, right?

LJ: Well, yeah, but . . .

JP: No — no “but.”  Yes or no.  You’ve already said “yes” so now we move on.  That’s how the game is played.  You kill defenseless animals for sport, right?

LJ: Well, yeah — no . . .

JP: My guess is you do something sexual with the antlers . . .

LJ: Alright, well, look, I think that’s about all I’m going to answer here. 

JP: I mean, I think our audience deserves some answers about something so kinky . . . .

[At this, Levi stands up and walks out of the restaurant]

JP: Come on, Jerry, let’s get some pizza.

Oct 23

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