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Coming Tuesday, November 25th
Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s been willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Democratic nominee for president hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change.
Third in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.
WASHINGTON, DC - Long before he ever went fertilizer shopping with Timothy McVeigh, Barack Obama befriended two other subversive, disaffected conspiracists who would soon become America’s first couple of domestic terror and espionage.
Obama met Julius and Ethel Rosenberg in July of 1943 at a dinner party to honor Rashid “Wiz” Khalifa, the controversial Palestinian scholar and hip-hop artist whose breakthrough single, “Start Snitchin’,” was the first big hit for PLO Records. At the party, hosted by NKVD Record Mogul Alexandre Feklisov, Obama and the Rosenbergs formed an uneatable Charades team, trouncing every team that dared to challenge them throughout the night. “We were unstoppable,” Obama wrote in his best-selling book, Sounds Like…Memoir. “We got each other’s clues right away, and answers would pass between us as if we could keep no secrets. I knew then that we would be two words, one syllable each: good friends.”
After that fateful night, Obama and the Rosenbergs made regular appearances at dinner parties and fundraisers and later at The Russian Tea Room in New York City, taking on all challengers and never once losing a game. The trio’s finest moment came in a 1944 exhibition match, when they defeated the reigning National Charades Champions, a team consisting of Roy Cohn, Joe McCarthy, and Judge Irving Kaufman. “I had a feeling they might hold a grudge,” Obama wrote in one of his memoirs.
OMAHA - Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt drove their six children from Los Angeles to an Omaha hospital today and legally abandoned them under Nebraska’s new safe haven law, which allows parents to abandon children as old as 18 at any state-licensed hospital without fear of prosecution. Thus far, 29 children have been abandoned under the law.
Ms. Jolie told a reporter that the children, three of whom were adopted, ”were just getting to be too much, especially with all the promotion I’m doing for my motion picture The Changeling — please make sure you spell that right.”
Mr. Pitt agreed. “Hey, we gave it a try, and it just didn’t work out,” he said. “I think it’s also important to point out that several of those children were foreigners.”
“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn
Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s willing to admit. We uncover the truth about how much Sen. Obama hates the government he wants to lead and the country he hopes to change.
Second in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.
WASHINGTON, DC - Thirty years after he last went to the movies with Lee Harvey Oswald, Barack Obama befriended another shy, quiet, profoundly angry young man who would soon become one of America’s most infamous domestic terrorists.
Obama met Timothy McVeigh in the Garden Center of a suburban Illinois Home Depot in May of 1993, a little less than two years before McVeigh carried out what was then the deadliest peace-time attack in US history. The two struck up a conversation over perennial bulbs and mulch, then ran into each other again at a God Damn America Rally co-sponsored by Trinity United Church of Christ and the Northern Illinois Militia. By the end of the night, after an especially spirited debate over the use of religious symbolism in The Turner Diaries, the two had become friends.
Obama long refused to talk about, or even to acknowledge, his close friendship with the late Oklahoma City bomber, but recently declassified ATF and FBI documents suggest the two spent countless hours together playing basketball, discussing Constitutional Law, and shopping for ammonium nitrate fertilizers. Obama liked to trash-talk “Timmy V” on the court, telling him repeatedly to “Give it up, because white men can’t jump.” “That’s alright,” McVeigh would respond, “because black men can’t be president.”
WASHINGTON - Joe Biden made another gaffe on the campaign trail yesterday when he repeatedly stabbed to death Mrs. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi, a 53-year-old school teacher, during a pre-election rally in Charleston, West Virginia.
Mrs. Swayne-Lugosi was among several audience members permitted to pose a question to Mr. Biden, and she asked if Barack Obama subscribes to a Marxist ideology. Mr. Biden glared at her for an instant, then he whipped out a large carving knife from his pants and lunged into the crowd toward her. Mrs. Swayne-Lugosi put her arms up to her face and screamed “oh, no.” Mr. Biden proceeded to stab her no fewer than 30 times about the chest and neck before guards were able to pull him away. Mrs. Swayne-Lugosi was pronounced dead at the scene.
Mr. Biden’s latest gaffe will not cause him to be removed from the campaign trail, said Obama adviser David Axelrod. “Sure, Joe is gaffe-prone, there’s no question. And there are those moments when he says something ridiculous or, like tonight, when he stabbed that woman, and you say to yourself, ‘Wow! Why did he do that?’ But at the end of the day, all we know is that the American people have taken to Joe, and that his upside is fantastic, which is what matters.”
Mr. Axelrod added that the Obama campaign extends condolences to Mrs. Swayne-Lugosi’s family.
Barack Obama’s ties to domestic terrorists run far deeper, and are far more disturbing, than he’s willing to admit. We uncover the shocking truth about how much the Illinois Senator really does hate the government he wants to lead and the country he plans to change.
First in a Four-Part Carbolic Smoke Ball Investigative Report.
WASHINGTON, DC - A newly uncovered footnote from the Warren Commission Report reveals that twenty minutes after he murdered President John F. Kennedy, Lee Harvey Oswald met Barack Obama, the man he often called “my brother,” at the Texas Theater in Dallas.
The two friends sat together in their usual spot, fifth row center, and watched “War is Hell,” starring Baynes Barron, their favorite actor. Fifteen minutes into the film, both men stood up, raised their fists in the air, and shouted: “Death to Kennedy! Death to Kennedy!” Oswald then asked Obama if he “felt like popcorn,” and Obama volunteered to get some at the refreshment counter. While Obama was in the lobby, police entered the theater, struggled with Oswald, and arrested him.
“Lee! Lee!” Obama cried as Oswald was led out the theater in handcuffs. “Tell me how it comes out,” Oswald shouted to him. It was the last time the two friends ever spoke. Oswald was charged with murdering the President and, two days later, was gunned down by nightclub owner Jack Ruby.
Oswald’s death shattered Obama, who had launched his political career in Oswald’s Moscow living room two years earlier. The two men served on numerous committees together, and they made time to see a film together at least once a week, making sure to interrupt each one with their “Death to Kennedy” chant.
PHOENIX - The McCain-Palin campaign has run out of money, and on Monday the Republican candidates were evicted from their Phoenix campaign headquarters.
To inject desperately needed cash into their moribund run for the White House, McCain suggested to Palin that they make their own amateur pornographic film. McCain and Palin would assume the leads, and their friends would co-star. McCain invited Rep. Barney Frank to participate “in order to lend verisimilitude” to the film’s gay sex scenes.
Pundits criticized McCain for picking Palin as his co-star because he bypassed numerous porno actresses who have far more extensive experience with foreign objects during sex. McCain said he selected Palin “because she’s a maverick who took on and made out with the leaders of her party in Alaska, and because she’s got a great pair of tits.”
“I knew I was supposed to drop something,” Biden explained
PITTSBURGH - Police were called to a Shadyside home this morning after a man reported finding a piece of candy in a package of razors. “It happens every year at this time,” said Police Chief Nate Harper. “Some sick, twisted individual tries to take all of the fun out of the simple act of shaving. What’s this world coming to.”
According to the tape recording of the 911 call, the man, David Corbett, tore open a bag of Gillette Custom Plus Pivot Razors only to find several pieces of candy carefully placed between the razors. “They fell out all over the floor,” said Corbett. “Why would anyone want to do this to me?”
Preliminary analysis of the candy done by the Allegheny County Crime Lab indicates the candy is a confection commonly known by it’s street name, jawbreaker.
Madelyn Dunham no longer ill, no longer a racist
RENO, NV - Sen. Barack Obama made a triumphant return to the campaign trail yesterday, one day after curing his grandmother, 85-year-old Madelyn Dunham, of her recent illness and of her life-long racism.
Dunham, whom Obama affectionately calls “Toot,” and whose occasional use of cringe-inducing epithets he fondly recalled in his landmark “A More Perfect Union” speech, was seen walking briskly through her Honolulu neighborhood last night, often stopping to chat amicably with black men who passed her on the street. Forty-eight hours earlier, that scene would have been impossible.
“It’s a miracle,” Obama told a cheering crowd of more than 8,000 supporters, “and it’s all because of me.”
WASILLA - Sarah Palin took to the airwaves last night and, bowing to public pressure, agreed to return the designer clothes the Republican Party provided for her that reportedly cost $150,000.
But Palin said there was one gift she would not give back. “One other thing I probably should tell you,” she said, choking back tears. ”A staunch Republican down in Texas heard Todd on the radio mention that our girls would like to have a dog. Believe it or not, the next day, we got a crate all the way from Texas, and it contained the skeletal remains of Checkers, the dog illegally given to Richard Nixon in 1952. The kids just love those skeletal remains. So I want to say this: regardless of what they say about Checkers, we’re gonna keep him.”
Former President Dwight Eisenhower issued a statement applauding the speech: “Sarah, you’re my boy!”
HOLLYWOOD - King Arthur, leader of the Britains, conqueror of the Saxons and head of the Round Table, an exclusive Knight-club dedicated to questing, jousting, defending virtuous maidens, and performing selfless acts of chivalry, told Dr. Phil yesterday that he suspects his wife is having an affair with his best friend.
King Arthur made his remarks during a taping of the Dr. Phil television show scheduled to air this Friday.
“I think my wife is sleeping with my best friend, and I don’t know what to do about it,” he said. “If I confront my wife, I will lose her. If I confront my friend, I lose my kingdom. Sometimes I wish I never pulled that sword out of the stone.”
Obama disavows any connection with dark wizard. “I was only eight years old when Lord Voldemort did some despicable things.”
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