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WASHINGTON - Democratic Vice-Presidential nominee Joe Biden is urging that his October 2nd debate in St. Louis with Republican Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin be held in the style of the game show Jeopardy, so that Palin’s knowledge of important events in American history might be tested.
As on the popular game show, Palin would need to respond in the form of a question. For example, if the answer shown were: “Doctrine that said Europe was no longer permitted to interfere with the United States,” Palin would need to respond with the question: “What was the Monroe Doctrine?”
Biden hopes to trip up Palin in ways similar to her inability to identify the Bush Doctrine in her recent interview with ABC News’ Charles Gibson. For his part, Biden would not be subject to the Jeopardy rules. “They’ll just throw softball questions at me so I can give rambling responses replete with embarrassing gaffes,” Biden explained.
She’ll get a lot of money; he’ll get to keep sleeping with other women
PITTSBURGH - Popular bon vivant and outdoorsman Noah Swayne is spearheading a petition drive to express his extreme and palpable displeasure that the temperature on the first day of autumn felt exactly like summer.
“I walked outside and my first reaction was, ‘What’s going on here?” Swayne explained. “Somebody needs to take a stand about this, and it’s got to be me.” Swayne’s goal is to obtain 400,000 signatures.
“The worst part about it is that the kids don’t have any idea what they’re missing. That’s why I make sure to tell every child I come across, ‘You should have seen the autumnal equinox in the old days! It would come roaring in like thunder, and it hit us like a wall of cool, invigorating bliss.’”
Swayne said his next project is Christmas, “because that really stinks lately, too.”
MEDIA, PA - Republican running mates John McCain and Sarah Palin today apologized to citizens of this Delaware County town after what a campaign spokesman called “an understandable reflex” when they denounced it before a once-enthusiastic crowd of 8,000 outside the courthouse.
“It’s time we did something about Media,” said Mrs. Palin, the Alaska governor and vice-presidential nominee. “They’re too liberal. They hate America. They are biased, and it shows.”
“You tell ‘em, Sarah,” Mr. McCain interjected. “These Media people are detestable. I sometimes think they want the terrorists to win.”
NEW YORK - U.S. Bankruptcy Judge James Peck has corrected the judicial opinion he issued in the wee hours of Saturday morning that allowed Lehman Brothers to sell its ”eunuchs” to Barclays.
The revised opinion states that Lehman can sell its “units” to Barclays.
Barclays immediately returned the eunuchs to Lehman Brothers and took possession of the units. One of the eunuchs, who asked not to be identified, giggled.
Salieri’s descendant says “it stinks”
PARIS - Experts in Germanic music of the late 18th Century concluded that a composition discovered in a French library was written in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s own hand between 1787 and 1791, and that in every detail — from its melody to its harmony to its instrumentation — it is identical to “See You Again,” the hit single by American teen pop star Miley Cyrus.
Ms. Cyrus called the revelation ”sweet” and suggested she might pose for provocative photographs with a Mozart look-alike to draw attention to the news. “You know — bare back, the whole thing.”
In New York City, Tony Salieri, a pizza delivery man for Lombardi’s in Little Italy who is a descendant of Mozart’s rival, composer Antonio Salieri, declared the composition “a piece of dreck. Typical of Mozart.”
GALVESTON - Authorities assessing damage to the region following last weekend’s powerful storm report that two of the three homes built by local pigs are no longer standing. The homes are identified on the Galveston real estate web site as owned by Ira Pig and his brother Stanley.
City Building Inspector Edward Alexander visited remnants of the structures this morning and met with reporters afterward. “The homes are completely uninhabitable,” said Alexander.
“If only those pigs had followed the advice of our department, they wouldn’t find themselves on the street now, at the mercy of hungry, pork-loving predators.”
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The stunning failure of insurance giant AIG that necessitated an unprecedented Federal Reserve bailout has been linked to the misconduct of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania AIG agent Ned Ryerson.
Investigators say that Ryerson, known to associates as “Needlenose Ned,” sold millions of dollars of AIG insurance without properly evaluating the risks.
Almost all of the insurance in question was sold to Pittsburgh television meteorologist Phil Connors on February 2 of this year. AIG subsequently paid out hundreds of billions of dollars on life insurance claims because claims documents show that Connors inexplicably died innumerable times the day he bought the insurance.
Contacted for this story, Ryerson said only that he regrets his actions and wishes he could relive February 2nd over again.
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
WASILLA - CBS Anchorwoman Katie Couric and Republican Vice-Presidential candidate Governor Sarah Palin were attacked by a polar bear last night during an interview scheduled to air later this week.
Authorities believe the attack was in retaliation for Governor Palin’s refusal to place polar bears on the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Endangered Species list.
The Governor was walking with Ms. Couric through her backyard when a polar bear leaped from behind a rock and began mauling the helpless television newscaster. Raw video of the incident shows Ms. Couric pinned down by the creature, clawing and kicking, while the Governor frantically searches through her purse for a knife. “Hold on, Katie!” she cries. “I know it’s in here somewhere!”
BEDFORD FALLS - While panicked traders around the world watched as stocks continued their free-fall, investor Henry F. Potter, the self-described richest man in the county, calmly went about his work of acquiring more assets.
Mr. Potter gobbled up Merrill Lynch on Monday; last night he took over the remnants of defunct Lehman Brothers.
Financier Warren Buffet summed up Mr. Potter’s modus operandi: “Don’t you see what’s happening? Potter isn’t selling. Potter’s buying. And why? Because we’re panicking and he’s not.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said yesterday that the collapse of financial markets worldwide occurred as a result of the withdrawal of the Clampett fortune from the Beverly Hills Commerce Bank in Beverly Hills, California.
The withdrawal sent shock waves throughout the global economy, sending Lehman Brothers into bankruptcy and triggering the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America.
“After numerous unsuccessful attempts to pursue a career at professions as varied as ‘sophisticated international playboy’ and ‘double-naught spy’ by Mr. Clampett’s nephew Jethro, a failed marriage to Hollywood heartthrob Dash Riprock by his daughter Ellie, and the arrest of his mother-in-law Granny on charges of operating an illegal distillery and practicing medicine with a license, Mr. Clampett decided he had enough,” said Mr. Paulson. “He decided to return home and he took his money with him.”
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