Treasury Secretary: Clampett Withdrawal Triggered Market Collapse; Mr. Drysdale on Suicide Watch

WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said yesterday that the collapse of financial markets worldwide occurred as a result of the withdrawal of the Clampett fortune from the Beverly Hills Commerce Bank in Beverly Hills, California.

The withdrawal sent shock waves throughout the global economy, sending Lehman Brothers into bankruptcy and triggering the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America.

“After numerous unsuccessful attempts to pursue a career at professions as varied as ‘sophisticated international playboy’ and ‘double-naught spy’ by Mr. Clampett’s nephew Jethro, a failed marriage to Hollywood heartthrob Dash Riprock by his daughter Ellie, and the arrest of his mother-in-law Granny on charges of operating an illegal distillery and practicing medicine with a license, Mr. Clampett decided he had enough,” said Mr. Paulson. “He decided to return home and he took his money with him.”

A spokesman for Mr. Clampett said the oilman intends to resume his life as a poor mountaineer.

Meanwhile, in Beverly Hills, the president of the Beverly Hills Commerce Bank, Milburn Drysdale, remains hospitalized in the psychiatric ward of the Mount Sinai Medical Center. Doctors said they fear the trauma of losing so much money from his bank at one time may lead Mr. Drysdale to take his own life.

His faithful administrative assistant, Ms. Jane Hathaway, expressed confidence that her boss, as well as the markets, would rebound. “This is merely a temporary setback. I expect they’ll both be back on their feet in no time.”

Sep 17