Monthly Archives: September 2008

Biden Exposes Self at Weigh-In For VP Debate; Palin “Livid”

ST. LOUIS – Sen. Joe Biden stunned officials of the  Commission on Presidential Debates when he stripped naked at the weigh-in for the Vice Presidential debate, a move he said was necessary in order to make weight. Ring girls quickly held up a

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

“Equus” on Hiatus: Horse Claims Star Daniel Radcliffe “Upstaged” Him In Nude Scene

Horse: “My equine friends snicker and ask me if I’m ‘hung like a Harry Potter.’”

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Posted in Entertainment

JFK’s Killer Revealed

Digital image specialists finally decode long-thought-doctored photo, discover real face hidden beneath Lee Harvey Oswald’s; Kennedy Family declines comment; Harry Whittington declares, “I knew it!” 

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Posted in History, U.S. News

BREAKING NEWS: House Rejects Bailout

“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left).  “We’re not

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Posted in Business, Politics, U.S. News

Bailout Begins With Airdrop

Food, water, new Blackberrys dropped over Wall Street; investment bankers vow to “hang on” until rescuers, new mortgage holders arrive  

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Debate Fact Check: McCain Wrong an Average of Every Four Seconds

WASHINGTON – Carbolic Smoke Ball has determined that during Friday night’s first Presidential debate, John McCain made erroneous statements on an average of every sentence-and-a-half. McCain’s first erroneous statement occurred three seconds into the debate when he made a teary-eyed announcement that

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

With News of Bailout, Testicles on Wall Street’s Bronze Bull Return to Scrotum

NEW YORK – The testicles on the famed bronze Wall Street bull, the so-called “golden balls” that had retracted into the statue’s groin when Lehman Brothers’ declared bankruptcy, suddenly returned to the bull’s scrotum minutes after Congressional leaders and the White House

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Posted in Business

The 4,000 Jews Who Failed to Show Up For Work at the World Trade Center on September 11th are Spotted Observing Ramadan Prayers at an Old City Mosque

Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”

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Posted in International News, Religion

Paul Newman Dead at 83

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Posted in Entertainment, Obituaries

Obama, McCain Square Off in 90-Minute Televised Debate on Thursday Over Whether to Debate Friday

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Rep. Barney Frank, Hugh Hefner, Sen. Chris Dodd Meet to Discuss Bailout

Hefner:  “I’m going to invite the whole Congress over to The Mansion as soon as this Wall Street thing blows over — well, obviously you’re not invited, Barney.”

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Obama Dispatches Communist Spies Julius and Ethel Rosenberg to Alaska to “Dig Up Dirt” on Palin

WASILLA – The Obama campaign has pulled out “the big guns” to get the dirt on Sarah Palin: legendary Communist spies and Obama supporters Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who reportedly hate America, are in Wasilla, Alaska “learning as much as possible” about Palin. Mr. and

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

After Video Surfaces of Palin Praying With Witch-Hunter, Endora Puts Curse on Palin That Causes Her to Speak in Rhyme

HOLLYWOOD – After a  video surfaced showing Sarah Palin praying with Kenyan witch-hunter Thomas Muthee, a witch known only as Endora reportedly put a spell on Palin that causes her to speak in rhyme. Palin is in seclusion, and the McCain

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Posted in Derision 2008, Extras, Politics

Obama Set to Debate Himself, Expects Americans to Support Both Sides of Every Issue When He’s Finished

WASHINGTON – The first Presidential debate will go on as planned this Friday at the University of Mississippi, but with only Sen. Barack Obama participating.  Sen. John McCain announced late yesterday he was pulling out. The Obama campaign issued a statement:

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Local Man Suspends Masturbation While Nation Seeks Solution to Financial Crisis

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Posted in Business, Local News, U.S. News

Bush Unveils Plan to End Housing Crisis: The Amish

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Bush: No Bailout for Latest Lender to Go Bankrupt

Reckless charitable spending blamed. Last straw was blank check written to aid the handicapped son of  employee Bob Cratchit.  Cratchit misappropriated funds for his mistress, faces lengthy prison term.

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Posted in Business

Hells Angels, Bandidos Suspend Gang War, Will Work to Solve Economic Crisis

LOS ANGELES – Leaders of the Hells Angels and Bandidos motorcycle gangs today said they would suspend an ongoing gang war over control of the lucrative methamphetamine market and return to the nation’s capital to seek a resolution to the

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Posted in Extras

Bush To End Nation’s Fixation With Economic Woes By Hanging Upside Down for 60 Hours

WASHINGTON – President Bush said he would help the country stop focusing on Wall Street’s precarious financial situation by hanging upside down in Central Park for 60 hours without a net starting tomorrow.  “I can’t think of any better way to get our minds

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Posted in Extras, U.S. News

Iran’s President Learns Larry King is a Jew, Murders Him On the Air

NEW YORK – Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visiting New York to address the U.N. General Assembly, murdered CNN talk icon Larry King last night while making an exclusive appearance on Larry King Live.  The incident occurred about halfway through the interview when Mr. King

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Posted in U.S. News
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