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Recent News Items
- Bush Unveils Plan to Rebuild Republican Party
- Tools Lost in Space by Shuttle Astronaut Turn Up in Old “Star Trek” Episode
- Obama, Joe the Plumber Discuss Drain Problems in White House Shower
- Obama Announces First Phase of Economic Recovery Plan: The Penny of Hope
- “Twilight” Tells Tale of Forbidden Love
- Cash-Strapped GM to Salvage Self With “Bachelor Auction” of Assembly-Line Slobs
- “Alright, I’ve got to sneak in a commercial break, but we’ll be right back with our guest, John McCain, here on the Arsenio Hall Show.”
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Coming Tuesday, November 25th
ST. LOUIS - Sen. Joe Biden stunned officials of the Commission on Presidential Debates when he stripped naked at the weigh-in for the Vice Presidential debate, a move he said was necessary in order to make weight.
Ring girls quickly held up a banner to hide Biden’s private parts, but Biden slapped it down and raised his arms in what one writer called a “triumphant display of masculinity.”
Sarah Palin, waiting in the wings, was reportedly “livid” that Biden subjected her to the sight of his genitalia. “But it confirmed what I suspected,” she said. “You know what they say about men from tiny states who make big gaffes.”
Horse: “My equine friends snicker and ask me if I’m ‘hung like a Harry Potter.’”
Digital image specialists finally decode long-thought-doctored photo, discover real face hidden beneath Lee Harvey Oswald’s; Kennedy Family declines comment; Harry Whittington declares, “I knew it!”
“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left). ”We’re not crazy, you know.”
Food, water, new Blackberrys dropped over Wall Street; investment bankers vow to “hang on” until rescuers, new mortgage holders arrive
WASHINGTON - Carbolic Smoke Ball has determined that during Friday night’s first Presidential debate, John McCain made erroneous statements on an average of every sentence-and-a-half.
McCain’s first erroneous statement occurred three seconds into the debate when he made a teary-eyed announcement that Senator Ted Kennedy was in the hospital. In fact, Kennedy had been released from the hospital earlier in the day.
Less than a minute later Barack Obama challenged McCain to explain his support for tax breaks to oil companies totaling $4 billion. McCain suddenly pulled a sheet of paper from his shirt pocket and pretended to read it. “I’ve just been handed the sad news,” he exclaimed. “Senator Kennedy passed away a half hour ago. Let’s have a moment of silence for the Lion of the Senate.”
NEW YORK - The testicles on the famed bronze Wall Street bull, the so-called “golden balls” that had retracted into the statue’s groin when Lehman Brothers’ declared bankruptcy, suddenly returned to the bull’s scrotum minutes after Congressional leaders and the White House agreed on a $700 billion bailout of the ailing financial industry.
Financial analysts immediately hailed the event as “The Miracle of the Golden Balls.”
Investor Warren Buffet predicted that from now on, struggling capitalists would make pilgrimages to the Bronze Bull in the same way that sick people visit Lourdes looking for a miracle.
Arabs wonder, “What are those sneaky Jews up to now?”
Hefner: ”I’m going to invite the whole Congress over to The Mansion as soon as this Wall Street thing blows over — well, obviously you’re not invited, Barney.”
WASILLA - The Obama campaign has pulled out “the big guns” to get the dirt on Sarah Palin: legendary Communist spies and Obama supporters Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, who reportedly hate America, are in Wasilla, Alaska “learning as much as possible” about Palin.
Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg are best known for the espionage charges filed against them alleging that they passed secrets about the atomic bomb to the Soviet Union.
Late yesterday, Obama was confronted with questions about the Rosenbergs’ allegiance to America and immediately distanced himself from them and described them as “like a crazy old aunt and uncle.”
Obama did not instruct the Rosenbergs to return home from Wasilla. ”Since they’re up there, we might as well see what they come up with,” he said.
HOLLYWOOD - After a video surfaced showing Sarah Palin praying with Kenyan witch-hunter Thomas Muthee, a witch known only as Endora reportedly put a spell on Palin that causes her to speak in rhyme.
Palin is in seclusion, and the McCain campaign has summoned international authority on witches’ curses Darrin Stephens to help remove the spell in time for next week’s Vice Presidential debate.
President Bush told a reporter he thinks “it would be a hoot” to hear Palin debate Sen. Joe Biden in rhyme.
In related news, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright has claimed responsibility for the collapse of Wall Street, which he said stems from the curse he put on the nation when he damned America.
WASHINGTON - The first Presidential debate will go on as planned this Friday at the University of Mississippi, but with only Sen. Barack Obama participating. Sen. John McCain announced late yesterday he was pulling out.
The Obama campaign issued a statement: “In Friday’s debate, Senator Obama will argue both sides of every issue, something he has not done previously. At least not in the same forum.”
Obama campaign manager David Plouffe said he is “confident that after Americans hear Obama debate himself, they’ll overwhelmingly support both sides of every issue.”
Reckless charitable spending blamed. Last straw was blank check written to aid the handicapped son of employee Bob Cratchit. Cratchit misappropriated funds for his mistress, faces lengthy prison term.
LOS ANGELES - Leaders of the Hells Angels and Bandidos motorcycle gangs today said they would suspend an ongoing gang war over control of the lucrative methamphetamine market and return to the nation’s capital to seek a resolution to the ongoing financial market crisis.
“It’s time to put aside partisan interests, like who shot who in the eye and that sh*t, and unite not as Hells Angels or Bandidos, but as Americans, while we seek a resolution to ongoing market instability,” said Delbert “Fuzzwack” Cleonis, Hells Angels chapter president.
Bandidos chairman Hector “Shiv” Andreackos echoed those remarks.
“As we watch portfolio values evaporate in the second wave of subprime losses, it has become increasingly clear that the market is facing a liquidity crisis that could reverberate throughout national and international markets. Until Congress can find a means to restore investor confidence, it makes little sense to worry about whether Stockton’s meth junkies are served by the Angels or the Bandidos,” he said.
WASHINGTON - President Bush said he would help the country stop focusing on Wall Street’s precarious financial situation by hanging upside down in Central Park for 60 hours without a net starting tomorrow.
“I can’t think of any better way to get our minds off money, money, money,” Bush said.
Bush denied that he got the idea for the stunt, which he calls “an endurance challenge,” from magician David Blaine, who is currently hanging upside for 60 hours in New York’s Central Park. “But I don’t deny there are similarities,” the President noted.
NEW YORK - Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, visiting New York to address the U.N. General Assembly, murdered CNN talk icon Larry King last night while making an exclusive appearance on Larry King Live.
The incident occurred about halfway through the interview when Mr. King asked Mr. Ahmadinejad if he thought President Bush was a “schmuck.” Suddenly, the Iranian president’s eyes glared, and he sprang from his chair.
“Are you a Jew, Larry?” he challenged Mr. King in perfect English. “Tell me the truth: are you a Jew?” Middle East experts later said that Mr. King’s use of the word “schmuck” triggered Mr. Ahmadinejad’s reaction.
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