Jerry Lewis Telethon Proceeds To Be Diverted To Ed McMahon

LAS VEGAS - Jerry Lewis announced that the proceeds from next weekend’s Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon will be diverted from muscular dystrophy research and be used to bail out Ed McMahon, the perennial Telethon anchor, whose fight to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion has gained world-wide attention.

Some muscular dystrophy patients expressed outrage over the news.  “We can’t believe Jerry would abandon us to help a rich friend avoid losing one of his mansions,” said muscular dystrophy patient Noah Swayne, 19. 

Mr. Lewis was baffled by the patients’ anger.  “I mean, I’ve raised $2 billion for these people – exactly how much money do these MD patients need anyway?  Well, I have a message for them: I fully intend to use the same maudlin, sappy tactics I’ve employed for 43 years to tug at America’s heartstrings for MD patients to bring a little sunshine back to Ed’s life.” 

Contacted by a reporter for this story, Mr. McMahon just chuckled.

Aug 25

Obama Gamely Introduces VP Pick After Campaign’s Text Message Typo

Aug 23

Obama Taps Dark Knight as VP

GOTHAM CITY, IL - Presumptive Democratic nominee Barack Obama opted for a “sure thing,” political insiders say, when he announced the popular film star and blockbuster action hero Batman as his running mate.

“With The Dark Knight’s true identity shrouded in secrecy, my political philosophy grounded in myth, and my hubris the stuff of Greek tragedy, this is a ticket of graphic novel proportions,” Obama told a cheering Gotham crowd.

Obama also considered former Gotham City District Attorney Harvey Dent as his running mate, but his Vice Presidential Vetting team convinced him that adding another Two-Face would not provide sufficient balance for the ticket.

Asked to comment on Senator Obama’s choice, presumptive Republican nominee John McCain replied, “Batman and the Joker, together again.”

Aug 22

Beijing Olympic Committee Preparing for Closing Ceremonies

“If you thought the opening ceremonies were exciting, wait until you see what happens on Sunday,” said one unnamed official.

Aug 22

McCain Arrested for Breaking and Entering; Senator Claims Innocent Mistake: He Doesn’t Know Which Houses Are His

WASHINGTON, D.C. - John McCain was arrested last night and charged with breaking and entering after a woman found him sprawled out naked and asleep on a bed in her posh Georgetown townhouse. 

It was the third time this month that McCain has been booked on burglary-related charges after being discovered in someone else’s home.

His defense in each case has been the same: he doesn’t know how many houses he owns, and “I must have guessed wrong about this one.”

Aug 22

Maury Povich Tells John Edwards: “You Are Not the Father of Rielle’s Baby!”

NEW YORK - Maury Povich delivered some welcome good news to disgraced former North Carolina Senator John Edwards on his syndicated day-time talk show yesterday. 

Mr. Povich informed Mr. Edwards that he is not the father of the baby born to his mistress Rielle Hunter.  Upon hearing the news, the Senator emitted a raucous whoop and holler, and began a series of poorly executed dance moves around the set as a demonstration of his excitement. 

“I told you it wasn’t mine,” he shouted at the camera over and over again.  He then worked his way through the studio audience, exchanging high-fives and fist-bumps with members of the enthusiastic crowd.

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Aug 22

Obama Campaign Releases Fifth Negative Ad in Past Two Days

“I know it seems like I went back on my my word,” the Illinois Senator explained.  ”But since these attack ads come from a Democratic presidential candidate in a general election this century, they are, technically speaking, a new kind of politics.” 

Aug 22

Usain Bolt Picks Up “Olympic” Marlboro Endorsement

Aug 21

Woodsy Owl Arrested in Tiananmen Square; U.S. Forest Service Spokesbird Roughed Up By Chinese Police

BEIJING - Woodsy Owl, who is attending these Olympics as part of a U.N. sponsored Air Quality Monitoring Group, was taken into custody by Chinese police yesterday after he attempted to distribute pamphlets in Tiananmen Square urging citizens to “give a hoot, don’t pollute.” 

Witnesses saw Woodsy standing alone in front of a Chinese army tank that had been summoned by authorities to discourage his activities.  When Woodsy refused to move, authorities moved in.  After a brief struggle, Woodsy was wing-cuffed and thrown into the back of a police car.  His whereabouts at this time are unknown. 

Mr. Owl, who has spent his entire life spreading a message of environmental responsibility, expressed his disgust at the dangerous amounts of particulates in the air here to anyone who would listen.

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Aug 21

Portrait of Woman Revealed Beneath Van Gogh’s Face

AMSTERDAM - A high-tech x-ray spectroscopy today revealed a previously unknown portrait of a woman by Vincent van Gogh under the dead painter’s face.

Van Gogh’s body was exhumed because of long-held suspicions that “something was under his face,” said noted Van Gogh authority Dr. Noah Swayne.  When the results of the testing were revealed at a conference of Van Gogh aficionados in Amsterdam, several experts gasped in horror. 

“We have no idea how the painting got there, but this will cause us to look at van Gogh altogether differently from now on,” said Dr. Swayne.

Aug 21

Statue Has Nocturnal Emission in Anticipation of Obama Visit

PHILADELPHIA - The iconic 37-foot-tall bronze statue of William Penn that has topped Philadelphia’s City Hall since 1894 inexplicably oozed seminal fluid in its crotch area last night, hours before Senator Barack Obama’s visit to Pennsylvania’s largest city.

Baffled scientists are conducting tests on the sticky white substance.  Preliminary results indicate that the phenomenon was akin to a nocturnal emission experienced by human males. 

Many are calling it a “miracle” that mirrors the city’s excitement over Obama’s visit.  Democatic leaders are cautioning party faithful not to read too much into it.  Last January, the image of Eleanor Roosevelt appeared in the infamous stain on Monica Lewinsky’s dress, which many took as a sign that Hillary Clinton would be the party’s nominee.  “That event cast considerable doubt on semen’s reliability to predict future events,” opined Democratic party Chairman Howard Dean.

Aug 21

Carbolic Sports Spotlight

Aug 20

Cliffs Notes to Publish New “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes” Series

HOBOKEN, NJ - Cliffs Notes, Inc. today announced a whole new line of its popular literary study guides: “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes,” an abridged, dumbed-down version for students who don’t have the time, energy, or intellectual curiosity to read the original Cliffs Notes.

Wiliam J. Pesce, President and CEO of Wiley, the company that has owned and operated Cliffs Notes Inc. since 1998, said that these new versions would complement, rather than compete with, the company’s existing products.  Pesce said the new Notes, which will include outlines, summaries, and recaps of the company’s previously published outlines, summaries, and recaps, are perfectly suited for the “lifestyle and education choices of today’s modern educational consumer.” 

“In today’s fast-paced world, multi-tasking high school and college students have less time to not read than ever before,” Pesce said.  ”Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes will help them not read even faster, so they can get the information they need to pass a pop quiz and still have plenty of time left over to drink, play video games, and text-message their friends.”

Aug 20

Musharaff Resigns, Tells Press “You Won’t Have Pervez To Kick Around Any More,” Heads for San Clemente

ISLAMABAD - In a nationally televised address last night, President Pervez Musharraf told the people of Pakistan that he would resign the presidency effective noon today, ceding control of the executive office to Vice President Gerald Muhammad Mian Soomro Ford.

In an emotional speech lasting more than an hour, President Musharraf thanked the “silent majority” who, along with the Pakistani army and security forces, brought him into office.  He also confessed to viewers that although he received many gifts during his regime, he returned them all, save for one: a little dog named Checkers.

“But tonight, my fellow citizens, I took Checkers into the backyard and beat him to death with a shovel,” Musharaff said.  ”I offer his broken body to you as a blood sacrifice.”

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Aug 20

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets!

CAPE CANAVERAL - A satellite photo taken last week revealed that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the surface of the moon in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.

NASA Administrator Michael Griffin said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Griffin explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Aug 19

Obama: “Michael Phelps is Not on My VP Short List”

“This campaign is about a vague sense of hope and dreams of unfulfilled potential,” the Illinois Senator said. “I won’t tarnish it with the presence of someone who’s worked so hard and achieved so much.”

Aug 19

Miracle at 30,000 Feet: Obama Saves 51 Souls in Plane Emergency

WASHINGTON - Barack Obama revealed today that he saved the lives of 51 passengers last month when his plane lost pitch control at a high altitude and had to make an emergency landing in St. Louis.

The pilot could not get the plane’s nose to move up and down, Obama recalled.  ”Several passengers reported the malfunction to me, and they were clearly frightened.  I chided them, ‘Oh ye of little faith!’” Obama said.  “I put down the Bible I was studying and handed my American flag lapel pin to a flight attendant for safe keeping.  Then I opened a hatch, climbed out onto the wing, and made my way to the nose. 

“It was frigid cold at that altitude, but I knew what had to be done.  When I reached the nose, I could tell intantaneously that it was stuck in one position, so with all my might I pried it loose.”  Obama then climbed back into the plane to the cheers of his fellow passengers.  “I pleaded with them not to reveal this miracle until my hour had arrived,” he said.

Aug 19

NBC Names Michael Phelps the New Host of “Meet the Press”

 ”We love his focus and his intensity,” said NBC News President Steve Capus. “And after all of our Olympic coverage, we figure the transition will be indistinguishable.” 

Aug 18

“Bigfoot” in Freezer Exposed as a Hoax

Authorities examine the carcass, say it’s actually former Attorney General Janet Reno

Aug 18

Aquaman, Defender of the Earth’s Oceans, Arrested for Assaulting Michael Phelps

BEIJING - Police arrested a man identified only as Aquaman of Atlantis, defender of the earth’s oceans, after he burst out of the same pool where swimming sensation Michael Phelps had just won his record eighth gold medal and blindsided Mr. Phelps, knocking him to the ground. Mr. Aquaman then dragged Mr. Phelps back into the water while taunting him to race. 

“Just you and me, chump,” Mr. Aquaman yelled as he dunked Mr. Phelps’ head under the water. “Right now. Just you and me.  Let’s see how fast you really are.” 

Chinese police officers quickly circled the melee and, after a violent struggle, snared Mr. Aquaman in a net.

Read more

Aug 18

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