Obama Delivers Historic Acceptance Speech, Teaches, Feeds the Multitude

Carbolic Staff Writer Matthew Five reports from the scene.

DENVER - And seeing all the multitudes, Obama went up to the podium. And when he was ready, his delegates came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs are the votes I need. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted by me. Blessed are the meek, for they shall vote for me too. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. And me standing next to him.

“You are the salt of the Democrats. But if the salt has lost its savour, with what shall it be salted?  Surely not John McCain. Just as it was not with Hillary. It would in those ways be good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of prophets like me.

“For truthfully I say unto you, till Bush and Cheney pass, one jot or one small mark shall in no way pass from the government, till I be fulfilled.

“Leave here your gift before the altar, and go your way; first be blessed by me, and worship me, and then come offer your vote. Agree with your media quickly, while you are in the way with them, lest any time my adversary gain in the polls. And if your right hand offend you, and think to vote for McCain, cut it off, and cast it from you, for it is profitable for you that one of your members should perish, or even that your whole body be cast into hell, so long as I am elected.

“Let your communication be Change, yes, hope, yes, yes, we can!  For whatsoever is more than these comes of evil.  That you may be the children of your Candidate which is in Denver.  Be you therefore perfect, just as your Candidate, which will be in Washington perfect.

“And everyone that hears these sayings of mine, and does them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, and unto racists, which built their houses upon the sand and the rain and brimstone descended as if from the sermons of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright, and great were the falls thereof.”

And it came to pass, that when Obama had ended this speech, the people were hungry. And Senator Biden told him that in all of Invesco Field, there were only five hot dog buns and two trays of nachos left. And Obama took the five buns and the two trays of nachos, and looking up to heaven, he blessed them, and broke them, and he gave them to his staffers to set before the delegates. And they all ate, and were all filled.

And they that ate the buns and the nachos were seventy-five thousand men and women.   

Aug 29

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