Clintons Take Delegates Hostage

DENVER – Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Senator Hillary Clinton, heavily armed and toting hundreds of pounds of explosives, stunned the delegates at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night when they stormed the podium minutes after vice presidential nominee Joe Biden’s address, taking all 4,233 delegates hostage.

The Clintons are demanding that Mrs. Clinton be given the party’s nomination. 

When several delegates in the back of the hall attempted to flee, Mrs. Clinton yelled, “I’ll blow your heads off if you take one more step!”  A terrified Mrs. Obama muttered aloud, ”She’s just crazy enough to do it, too.” 

Mr. Clinton calmly grabbed the microphone and told the delegates, “Nobody gets hurt — just give Hillary the nomination.”

President Bush was immediately alerted to the crisis and asked Vice President Cheney to “get your gun and handle it, like you did to that guy when you were quail hunting.”  But the President asked Cheney “to hold off for two hours until we try the diplomacy thing.”  Bush immediately dispatched former President Jimmy Carter to negotiate with the Clintons. 

After two hours of talks, Mr. Carter reported that “I think I accidentally put the Clintons to sleep,” and that the standoff continued.  Carter suggested that Bush order a daring helicopter rescue of the 4,233 delegates, much like the failed attempt to rescue hostages in Iran that Carter authorized during his presidency.

Aug 28