Monthly Archives: August 2008

New Orleans Implements Plan Designed to Save the City: Citizens Stay, Mayor Nagin Evacuates Himself

McCain cancels most first day activities of  GOP Convention due to Hurricane Gustav; Senator hoping for other disasters so he can cancel the rest of it.

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Posted in U.S. News, Weather

McCain Picks Palin

Choice already sparking controversy, as rumors swirl that nominee may not be a U.S. citizen

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Obama Delivers Historic Acceptance Speech, Teaches, Feeds the Multitude

Carbolic Staff Writer Matthew Five reports from the scene. DENVER – And seeing all the multitudes, Obama went up to the podium. And when he was ready, his delegates came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them,

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Bush Readies New Orleans for Gustav, Enlists Fats Domino to Be “Human Cork” to Plug Leaks in the Levee

NEW ORLEANS – As Tropical Storm Gustav makes a beeline on New Orleans and whips itself into a full-fledged hurricane, the Bush administration is determined not to repeat the mistakes it made in dealing with the devastation of Hurricane Katrina three years ago.  President Bush

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Posted in U.S. News

McCain Taps His Old Vaudeville Partner Lou Costello for VP

Pair dusting off classic “Who’s on First” routine for GOP convention.

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Posted in Entertainment, U.S. News

Obama Enters into Denver

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, Religion, U.S. News

Clintons Take Delegates Hostage

DENVER – Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Senator Hillary Clinton, heavily armed and toting hundreds of pounds of explosives, stunned the delegates at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night when they stormed the podium minutes after vice presidential

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Umpires Boycott Use of Instant Replay in Pittsburgh Pirates Games, Cite Health Hazards Of Watching Pirates in Slow Motion

PITTSBURGH – Major League Baseball will start using instant replay tonight, but umpires say they will boycott replays of the sport’s worst team, the Pittsburgh Pirates.  According to Mike Port, Baseball’s Vice President of Umpiring, the umpires say it would

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Posted in Sports

Clinton’s Last-Gasp Proposal: “Nominate Me Now, and I’ll Support Obama in 2016″

DENVER – In a gut-wrenching prime time address at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton made a last-gasp proposal to obtain her party’s nomination in exchange for her promise to support Barrack Obama in eight years. In a no-holds-barred barrage on Obama, Clinton attacked the

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Biden Plagiarizes Obama Speech that Plagiarized Biden Speech

DENVER. – Sen. Joseph Biden’s candidacy for vice president took a rocky turn Tuesday when he plagiarized a speech given by the man who tapped him to serve as his running mate, Barack Obama. But the Obama camp breathed a sigh

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Denver Broncos’ Grounds Crew Enlisted to Re-Sod Biden’s Hair Plugs in Time for His Big Speech

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

McCain Economic Stimulus Package Would Include Candy Corn

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that everyone loves Candy Corn,” the Arizona Senator said.      

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Dems Trot Out Ailing Ted Kennedy to Rally Party Faithful as Convention Opens

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Posted in Derision 2008, Extras, Politics

Michelle Obama Announces Candidacy for President in 2016

DENVER – Michelle Obama tried to assure America that she and her husband are “exactly like you, only we’re beautiful, famous and wealthy,” on the opening night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.  “What struck me when I first met Barack

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Ex-Mayor Richard J. Daley Lured Out of Retirement to “Preserve Disorder” at Convention

DENVER - Former Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley, who lorded over the Windy City with an iron fist for more than twenty years, came out of retirement today to head up security at the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver.  Daley, who was accused of

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Mr. French Beaten, Left for Dead in Central Park; Uncle Bill a Suspect

NEW YORK – Giles French, a gentleman’s gentleman, was savagely beaten and left for dead in Central Park yesterday by a man witnesses identified as his employer, Bill Davis.  Mr. Davis, or as he is known to his intimates, “Uncle

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Posted in Entertainment, U.S. News

“American Idol” to Add Fourth Judge

NEW YORK, NY – Move over, Simon Cowell.  “American Idol” is adding another caustic critic to its panel of judges. Crusading jurist and bon vivant Judge Rufus Peckham will sit alongside Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson when the eighth season of

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Posted in Arts, Entertainment, Pop Culture

Biden Insisted Obama Pass Cleanliness Test Before Agreeing to Join Ticket

WASHINGTON, DC – Sen. Joe Biden refused to accept Barack Obama’s invitation to serve as his running mate until the Illinois Senator passed a rigorous, multi-part cleanliness test that included several body-cavity inspections. “Obama’s cleanliness is extremely important to Senator

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

McCain to Announce VP Via Smoke Signal

 “I can’t tell you the exact day, but keep your eye to the west at the end of the week,” the Arizona Senator said.

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

Jerry Lewis Telethon Proceeds To Be Diverted To Ed McMahon

LAS VEGAS – Jerry Lewis announced that the proceeds from next weekend’s Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon will be diverted from muscular dystrophy research and be used to bail out Ed McMahon, the perennial Telethon anchor, whose fight to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion has

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Posted in Entertainment, Extras, Health
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