DENVER – And seeing all the multitudes, Obama went up to the podium. And when he was ready, his delegates came unto him. And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs are the votes I need. Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted by me. Blessed are the meek, for they shall vote for me too. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. And me standing next to him.
“You are the salt of the Democrats. But if the salt has lost its savour, with what shall it be salted? Surely not John McCain. Just as it was not with Hillary. It would in those ways be good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of prophets like me.
“For truthfully I say unto you, till Bush and Cheney pass, one jot or one small mark shall in no way pass from the government, till I be fulfilled.
Bush Readies New Orleans for Gustav, Enlists Fats Domino to Be “Human Cork” to Plug Leaks in the Levee
NEW ORLEANS – As Tropical Storm Gustav makes a beeline on New Orleans and whips itself into a full-fledged hurricane, the Bush administration is determined not to repeat the mistakes it made in dealing with the devastation of Hurricane Katrina three years ago. President Bush traveled to the home of rock ‘n roll legend Fats Domino in the heart of The Big Easy to unveil his plan to respond to calamity in the event the city’s famous levee breaks.
Bush announced that the 80-year-old pianist, singer and songwriter, responsible for such classics as “Blueberry Hill,” will serve as a human cork to plug up a leak in the levee.
Bush assured New Orleans that if Gustav swamps the city, “I will get the man who did this.”
DENVER – Former President Bill Clinton and his wife Senator Hillary Clinton, heavily armed and toting hundreds of pounds of explosives, stunned the delegates at the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night when they stormed the podium minutes after vice presidential nominee Joe Biden’s address, taking all 4,233 delegates hostage.
The Clintons are demanding that Mrs. Clinton be given the party’s nomination.
When several delegates in the back of the hall attempted to flee, Mrs. Clinton yelled, “I’ll blow your heads off if you take one more step!” A terrified Mrs. Obama muttered aloud, ”She’s just crazy enough to do it, too.”
Umpires Boycott Use of Instant Replay in Pittsburgh Pirates Games, Cite Health Hazards Of Watching Pirates in Slow Motion
PITTSBURGH – Major League Baseball will start using instant replay tonight, but umpires say they will boycott replays of the sport’s worst team, the Pittsburgh Pirates. According to Mike Port, Baseball’s Vice President of Umpiring, the umpires say it would be “hazardous to their health to relive, especially in slow motion, any portion of a Pirates game.”
The umpires say they will allow replays of Pirates games from 1992, the year the team last had a winning season, or earlier. But Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said he “isn’t sure how that could work.”
Mr. Port said that “in principle” the umpires support the use of instant replay technology. “Anything to slow down an already near-moribund game is good with us.” But he explained that umpires do not support instant replays that “second-guess” umpires’ decisions. Rather, the umpires want to confine replays to crotch grabbing, bloopers, and ”shots of beautiful women” in the stands.
DENVER – In a gut-wrenching prime time address at the Democratic National Convention, Hillary Clinton made a last-gasp proposal to obtain her party’s nomination in exchange for her promise to support Barrack Obama in eight years.
In a no-holds-barred barrage on Obama, Clinton attacked the Illinois Senator’s loyalty to America while painting herself as a patriot. “Just this afternoon I had the American flag tattooed across my left breast,” she declared. “I challenge Senator Obama to do the same.” She proceeded to unbutton her blouse and expose her left breast, which she gently cupped to show off the tattoo. Network television cameras cut away to a close-up of a horrified Joe Biden.
The Obama camp earlier labelled Clinton’s visit to The Jester’s Court Skin Parlor a “cheap and tawdry stunt.”
But the Obama camp breathed a sigh of relief when it turned out that the Obama speech Biden plagiarized was one that Obama himself had plagiarized from Biden.
Some political pundits worry that the Obama-Biden ticket may not be sufficiently balanced because both men have been plagued with high-profile charges of plagiarism. Earlier this year, Obama reportedly plagiarized a 2006 speech given by Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick. In 1987, Biden famously plagiarized a speech by British Labour leader Neil Kinnock. Obama campaign staffers say they hope the men will continue to steal from each other instead of from third parties.
DENVER – Michelle Obama tried to assure America that she and her husband are “exactly like you, only we’re beautiful, famous and wealthy,” on the opening night of the 2008 Democratic National Convention.
“What struck me when I first met Barack was that even though he had this funny name, his family was just like mine,” she told the rapt delegates in a prime time address. “And, yes, like you, I still wonder if it was all an act, because maybe he does have some terrorist blood in him, given the name and all.” Then she looked directly into the camera and banged the podium: “But you have my every assurance that if I ever see the slightest indication that he’s a terrorist, I will not hesitate to hand him over to your justice.” Mrs. Obama’s promise touched off a ten minute celebration on the floor of the convention center.
“The Barack Obama I know today is the same man I fell in love with 19 years ago, in the backseat of his grandmother’s Bonneville, as we made hot, sweaty, yes, forbidden love,” she said misty-eyed. “And I believe Barack will be an extraordinary president, just as he is an extraordinary lover. And to you white women out there, yes, it’s true what they say,” she winked, prompting chants of “Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!”
DENVER - Former Chicago Mayor Richard J. Daley, who lorded over the Windy City with an iron fist for more than twenty years, came out of retirement today to head up security at the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver.
Daley, who was accused of using Gestapo tactics at the 1968 Democratic National Convention to control anti-war protestors, said he intends to use “the same strategy we used in ’68″ to insure that Clinton supporters are “kept in line.”
“Get this straight once and for all: some of those Clinton delegates are going to get their skulls crushed in if they create mischief at this convention,” Daley explained. “My security forces are not there to create disorder; my security forces are there to preserve disorder.”
Mr. Davis, or as he is known to his intimates, “Uncle Bill,” is in police custody. His attorney, Owen Marshall, counselor at law, called the detainment of his client “unreasonable, unjustifiable, and unlawful.” He vowed he would have Mr. Davis out on the street in time to resume his duties as a swinging bachelor “by the cocktail hour.”
The circumstances surrounding the attack on Mr. French are unclear, but this much is known. Neighbors in the Fifth Avenue building that houses the condominium that Mr. Davis owns, a dwelling he shares with his niece, Cissy, and her two biracial children, overheard shouting and imprecations from behind the door.
Crusading jurist and bon vivant Judge Rufus Peckham will sit alongside Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson when the eighth season of “American Idol” premieres in January, the Fox network said Monday.
“For the past seven seasons, Simon has had to endure the experience of being the only heartless bastard at the judges’ table,” said Mike Darnell, President of Fox Alternative Programming, in a prepared statement. ”With Judge Peckham by his side, Simon has some backup, and now there is going to be a lot more cruelty and gleeful misanthropy on the show. We imagine the contestants will be in tears every week.”
Judge Peckham, fake news magnate and Founder Emeritus of this web site, will come out of retirement and back from the grave to join the top-rated reality competition show. ”They made me an offer I couldn’t refuse,” Peckham said through his publicist. ”And besides, a guy with a Messiah complex as great as mine couldn’t stay dead forever.”
WASHINGTON, DC – Sen. Joe Biden refused to accept Barack Obama’s invitation to serve as his running mate until the Illinois Senator passed a rigorous, multi-part cleanliness test that included several body-cavity inspections.
“Obama’s cleanliness is extremely important to Senator Biden,” said a Biden aide who asked not be identified. “After all, Obama is the first African-American to head a major ticket for the presidency, so we’re really into uncharted territory here.”
Earlier in the campaign, Biden angered some Obama supporters by saying, “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.”
Obama reportedly passed the cleanliness test to Biden’s satisfaction. Biden’s other major criteria for African-American candidates is that they must be “nice-looking,” but that was never an issue in Obama’s case according to a Biden aide: ”Joe thinks Barack is drop-dead gorgeous.”
”I can’t tell you the exact day, but keep your eye to the west at the end of the week,” the Arizona Senator said.
LAS VEGAS – Jerry Lewis announced that the proceeds from next weekend’s Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon will be diverted from muscular dystrophy research and be used to bail out Ed McMahon, the perennial Telethon anchor, whose fight to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion has gained world-wide attention.
Some muscular dystrophy patients expressed outrage over the news. “We can’t believe Jerry would abandon us to help a rich friend avoid losing one of his mansions,” said muscular dystrophy patient Noah Swayne, 19.
Mr. Lewis was baffled by the patients’ anger. “I mean, I’ve raised $2 billion for these people – exactly how much money do these MD patients need anyway? Well, I have a message for them: I fully intend to use the same maudlin, sappy tactics I’ve employed for 43 years to tug at America’s heartstrings for MD patients to bring a little sunshine back to Ed’s life.”
Contacted by a reporter for this story, Mr. McMahon just chuckled.