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Recent News Items
- Bush Unveils Plan to Rebuild Republican Party
- Tools Lost in Space by Shuttle Astronaut Turn Up in Old “Star Trek” Episode
- Obama, Joe the Plumber Discuss Drain Problems in White House Shower
- Obama Announces First Phase of Economic Recovery Plan: The Penny of Hope
- “Twilight” Tells Tale of Forbidden Love
- Cash-Strapped GM to Salvage Self With “Bachelor Auction” of Assembly-Line Slobs
- “Alright, I’ve got to sneak in a commercial break, but we’ll be right back with our guest, John McCain, here on the Arsenio Hall Show.”
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Coming Tuesday, November 25th
Arizona Senator says, “I”m proud to have George H.W. Bush join my team; no one in America has more experience.” Former president declares, “Like any good parent, I just wanna fix what my kid screwed up.”
NEW YORK - Researchers at the University of Hoboken’s Women’s Studies Department have discovered that a twin brother in the uterus hurts his female twin’s quality of life by reducing her fertility and enhancing her chances of contracting fatal diseases.
The three-year study conducted by Prof. Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi concluded that “patriarchy extends even to the uterus,” and that boy twin fetuses ”exert male privilege over their sisters because the misogynistic Western culture in which they were conceived has taught them to believe they are entitled to subjugate females.”
Prof. Swayne-Lugosi said there is also evidence to suggest that one-in-four female fetuses are raped by their male fetus twins by the end of the first trimester, an act for which the males ”need to be held strictly accountable.” The solution, according to Prof. Swayne-Lugosi, is sensitivity training for every male fetus.
DALLAS - After being heavily courted by the Obama and McCain campaigns for the past three months, Jack Ruby finally broke his silence today and announced that he is endorsing Barack Obama for president.
“Mr. Obama embodies the same noble qualities as our beloved late President John F. Kennedy,” Mr. Ruby said in a prepared statement. “As everyone knows, I would kill for President Kennedy.” Mr. Ruby then folded up his statement and looked directly into a television camera. “I want to say this from the heart — move the cameras in on me, move them in: If anyone, and I mean anyone, tries to interfere with Mr. Obama, I personally will gun him down. A single bullet to the stomach, on national television, in full view of your loved ones. That’s how I do it. And I don’t care if you’re surrounded by police trying to protect you — I will get you, do you hear me? You are not safe so long as I am around. OK?”
In a prepared statement, Sen. Obama thanked Mr. Ruby for his endorsement and said he “welcomes the support of this well-known American who played an important role in a crucial moment in our history.” Sen. Obama said he hopes Mr. Ruby will campaign with him in Texas and elsewhere.
PITTSBURGH - The Glenshaw, Pennsylvania Kiwanis Club elevated Joseph Stalin to the position of president at the club’s weekly luncheon. The announcement was made by outgoing president Robert “Bob” Lutz.
Mr. Stalin, who is no relation to the former Soviet dictator responsible for the deaths of millions of people, immediately dissolved the executive board that appointed him and had the members arrested.
“I am profoundly grateful to receive this title,” he said. “I assure you I will work tirelessly to bring Kiwanism to the masses not only here in our community, but across the globe.”
BROOKLYN - David Corbett is insisting that his wife Barbara set a firm time-table for withdrawal from her family reunion this Sunday. Mr. Corbett expressed his concerns on the subject over breakfast yesterday morning.
“We simply cannot go into this thing without an exit strategy,” he said. “We’ve got to get in and get out with as little collateral damage as possible.”
Mrs. Corbett refused to budge. “We’re going to be there for as long as it takes.”
TYRE - Members of a community group from Tyre’s east end met with city officials last night to present their demands for incentives and community benefits in exchange for the new human sacrifice pit slated to be built in their neighborhood next year.
The group is demanding that community residents be given preference for jobs in both the construction and operation of the new pit.
Community elder Cyrus Arwad, 27, touted the fact that the neighborhood has dozens of exceptionally strong men perfectly suited not only for digging the pit but for throwing the human sacrifices into it “and insuring they stay there” while the fires consume them.
“Too many men are pretending to die needlessly in the fantasy battlefield due to a lack of make-believe reneactor medics.” John “Beauregard” Graesinger, Confederate Reenactor
“It’s not an easy decision,” the Illinois Senator said, “because I support a robust system of public financing of elections.”
HOLLYWOOD - In the wake of the record-setting opening weekend of The Dark Knight, Brent Oliverez, Executive Producer of The X-Files: I Want to Believe, which starts Friday, told a publicist that he “would be OK” if ”one of the film’s leads” accidentally overdosed on prescription drugs prior to the film’s opening, much like Heath Ledger, who played Dark Knight’s celebrated villain The Joker, did earlier this year.
“It would be an immense tragedy, no doubt,” Oliverez said, “but it would give X-Files real cachet.”
Chris Brickman, executive producer of the upcoming The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, agreed that the death of a star would be a box office shot-in-the-arm for his film.
SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA - The mother of a one-year-old girl has accused Pope Benedict XVI of trying to kidnap her child in the final hours of the pontiff’s 9-day visit to Australia.
Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne told authorities that the holy father reached out of the Pope Mobile, grabbed her daughter by the head, and tried to pull the child into the vehicle.
“He asked her if she liked communion wafers,” said a still-shaken Lugosi-Swayne, “and before I knew it, she was gone.”
Ron Vassel, an American tourist who stopped to snap pictures of the Pope while en route to a “Lost” fan club convention, grabbed the girl’s feet and prevented the pontiff from abducting her.
“I was glad to help,” said Vassel, who described himself as a devout Catholic. ”I just hope I don’t get excommunicated for this.”
SYDNEY - Pope Benedict XVI concluded World Youth Day ceremonies by announcing to a crowd of over 400,000 that he would return to Rome to begin the canonization process for the late Steve Irwin.
Mr. Irwin, a zoologist who dedicated his life to preserving and protecting the lives of animals and the planet, was one of Australia’s most beloved public figures. He was killed by a stingray while filming a television show in 2006. The stingray remains at large.
“Steve was a wonderful human being,” said the Pontiff. “I spent many hours thrilling to his television adventures, and I was always entertained.”
More reaction about yesterday’s historic moon landing, where American Neil Armstrong became the first human being to walk on the surface of the moon:
“No, I can’t say this makes me proud of my country.”
Michelle Robinson, 5 yrs. old, Chicago
NEW YORK - Former Texas Senator Phil Graham was summoned to the George Washington Bridge yesterday afternoon to try to talk down Noah Swayne, 33, who was perched high above the Hudson River preparing to jump.
Swayne, married and the father of three, was depressed because he had lost his job last month in an economic downturn.
The New York Police Department asked Gramm to assist in the hope that he would impart some “tough love” to the would-be jumper and convince him not to ”whine” about the loss of his job. Gramm made headlines last week when he was forced to step down as an advisor to the McCain campaign because of comments accusing America of becoming a “nation of whiners” about the economy.
NEW YORK - The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared for a short time on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members, including some of the most respected persons in the world, taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.
A spokesman for the FBI said the incident, which occurred in San Francisco last March, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.” Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop. The man’s fate is not known, and the FBI is concerned he may have sustained physical injuries in the assault.
YouTube’s staff acted quickly to remove the video after it was flagged by several viewers, but not before it was seen more than 6,000 times.
Magazine’s editor relents, apologizes, promises to change
NEW YORK, NY - In a surprising reversal, the editor of The New Yorker admitted today he made a “serious error in judgment” by running this week’s controversial cover illustration of Senator Barack Obama and his wife dressed as Islamic terrorists.
Editor-in-Chief David Remnick issued a statement saying that he and his staff have “learned much” from the experience, and that they promise “never to make the same mistake again.”
“We apologize to Senator Obama, to his wife Michelle, and to his supporters for our reckless, tasteless, and offensive cover art,” Remnick wrote. ”After consulting with the editors of many of our peer publications, as well as with members of Senator Obama’s staff, we now see the error of our ways. From now on, our cover illustrations will afford Senator Obama the same reverence and appreciation he receives from every other magazine in America.”
Remnick added that he hopes this week’s cover, which he called “a new testament to our good faith,” will “set the record straight” and “show America the real Barack Obama.”
Commentary by Psychiatrist Dr. Noah Swayne:
Startling new evidence shows that late actor Heath Ledger, who died last January after overdosing on pills commonly prescribed for depression, anxiety and insomnia, was very happy on the set of his last film, The Dark Night, and thus was not depressed when he died. Specifically, Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained stunning photographs that show Ledger smiling ear to ear, including this one.
Some might question whether Ledger’s personal hygiene was all that it should have been — the photos suggest he hadn’t washed his green hair in quite some time and that his lipstick was not applied with care. But from a MENTAL HEALTH PERSPECTIVE, the smile shows he was one happy son-of-a-bitch.
“Other stars signed on months ago … but I haven’t heard a word from that prick,” says Christopher Nolan.
HOLLYWOOD - Preview audiences and critics alike are applauding the performance of actor Stafford Repp as Gotham City Police Chief Chauncy O’Hara in the latest big-screen Batman saga, which opens today nationwide.
“Saints preserve us,” wrote Chicago Sun-Times critic Roger Ebert, “Repp steals the show, begorah!”
The film, entitled “The Dark Knight,” also stars Christian Bale and the late Heath Ledger.
“The Dark Knight” was the final film completed by the late Mr. Repp, who died last January in New York City from an accidental overdose of prescription drugs.
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