Obama Raises “Last Lecture” Professor Randy Pausch From the Dead

Illinois Senator performs his greatest miracle yet; Carbolic Staff Writer John Eleven reports from the scene.

PITTSBURGH, PA - When Carnegie Mellon University President Jared Cohon reached the place where Barack Obama was and saw him, he fell at his feet and said, “Senator, if you had been here, our favorite professor and public relations meal ticket would not have died.”

When Obama saw him weeping, and the administrators and university advancement officials who had come along with him also weeping, the Senator was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  ”Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Senator,” they replied.

Obama wept.

Then the administrators said, “See how he loved him!  Just as Oprah did!

But some of them said, “Could not he who has promised to slow the rise of the oceans and heal the pains of the planet have kept this poor professor from dying?  Could not he who will save us all have first saved our glorious gravy train of free national and international publicity?”

Senator Obama, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb.  It was a cave with a stone, a book, and a DVD laid across the entrance. “Take away the stone,” he said.  “Give the book to an incoming freshman, and sell that DVD along with the others on your web site.”

“But, Senator,” said Mark Kamlet, the Provost of the dead man, “by this time it is too late, for he has been there four days, and all the media coverage has gone away.”

Then Obama said, “Now that I am here, the media coverage will return. And so will he. Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of Change?”

So they took away the stone, gave away the book, and filed away the DVD.  Then Senator Obama looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I know that you always hear me, and that you have chosen me to win the election on November 4th, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent and endorse me.”

When he had said this, Obama called in a loud voice, “Randy, come out!” 

And Professor Pausch came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of tartan, a cloth around his face. 

Obama said to them, “Take off the tartans and let him go.  He has more lectures to give, and more people to inspire.  But not nearly as many as I.”

Jul 28

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