Darth Vader Diagnosed With Emphysema; Dark Lord of the Sith Forced to Carry Oxygen Tank Around Death Star

DEATH STAR - Darth Vader, Master of the Dark Side, is suffering from the early stages of emphysema.  The diagnosis was made by Death Star physician Dr. Lance Boyle.

“Darth has been having trouble breathing for quite some time,” said Dr. Boyle. “It got to the point where he was having trouble climbing a flight of stairs without complaining of shortness of breath.  We had him in this morning for a stress test and some blood work.  Then we did an MRI, and it confirmed our worst fears.  Darth has emphysema.”

Fortunately for Mr. Vader, the Empire’s benefit package provides “top quality” health care, according to a representative of the Empire’s Human Resource Department.  “Mr. Vader is only responsible for his $100 deductible,” she explained. “After that, he can submit everything to major medical.”

 For now, Dr. Boyle said the disease is treatable. 

“We are hoping that with regular breathing treatments, the deterioration of Darth’s lung will cease.  Darth will have to use an oxygen tank for the time being.” 

Dr. Boyle said that Mr. Vader is “extremely self-conscious about his oxygen tank,” adding that “the other day, he heard two Imperial Storm Troopers snickering behind his back and he reacted in a violent manner.

“Of course, the entire discussion is moot if Darth doesn’t quit smoking.”

Darth Vader says that won’t be a problem.

“I should have quit when Yul Brynner died,” he said.  “This time, I’m giving up those coffin nails for good.”

Jul 25

  • About Carbolic

    “One of America’s great web sites.” - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

    “The city’s equivalent of The Onion.” - The New York Times

    Carbolic on Air

    The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report airs every Friday — mornings with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann, afternoons with Sean McDowell — on Pittsburgh’s top-rated radio station, 102.5 WDVE. Listen to the broadcasts here, and sample the archives here.


    Carbolic in Print

    The Carbolic Smoke Ball Page publishes every Monday in the Trib p.m., the afternoon edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Read this week's copy here, and browse our archives here.


    Contact Carbolic

    thecarbolicsmokeball@gmail.com

    Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff

    Tim Murray, Founder/Editor-in-Chief
    Bob Haas, Editor
    Chad Hermann, Editorial Director
    • • •
    Sean Cannon, Ace Reporter
    Neal Rosenblat, Writer/Designer
    Todd Shaffer, Staff Writer
    • • •
    Timothy Stefko, Illustrator
    The Voice, Radio Correspondent
    The Mayor, Radio Personality
    • • •
    The Hon. Judge Rufus Peckham, Founder Emeritus

    Carbolic Wear


    Carbolic WDVE Podcast