Local Kiwanis Club Chapter Appoints Joseph Stalin President; New Head of Civic Group Promises to Spread Kiwanism, Destroy Enemies

PITTSBURGH - The Glenshaw, Pennsylvania Kiwanis Club elevated Joseph Stalin to the position of president at the club’s weekly luncheon.  The announcement was made by outgoing president Robert “Bob” Lutz.

Mr. Stalin, who is no relation to the former Soviet dictator responsible for the deaths of millions of people, immediately dissolved the executive board that appointed him and had the members arrested.

“I am profoundly grateful to receive this title,” he said.  “I assure you I will work tirelessly to bring Kiwanism to the masses not only here in our community, but across the globe.”

 He said he intends to reach his goals through a series of five-year plans. 

“When I am finished, the world will know that Kiwanism is the only hope for mankind.”  Mr. Stalin vowed to destroy any other civic organizations that stand in his way.  “Woe to the Lions Club, and the Rotarians that dare to challenge Kiwanis power!  We shall crush them and assign their bourgeois ideals to the dustbin of history.” 

Following a brief respite for dessert, Mr. Stalin concluded his remarks on an ominous note. 

“I believe there are spies among us,” he said.  “Take a good look at the person next to you.  Perhaps he is a traitor to our cause.”  He recommended a thorough purge of the membership rolls so as to insure that only those thoroughly dedicated to the achievement of worldwide Kiwanism be allowed to remain in the club. 

A vote on construction of a forced labor camp along next to the meeting hall was postponed until next month.   

Jul 24

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