Carbolic Flashback: Phoenicia, 731 B.C.: Community Activists Demand Incentives for Human Sacrifice Pit Proposed for Their Neighborhood

TYRE - Members of a community group from Tyre’s east end met with city officials last night to present their demands for incentives and community benefits in exchange for the new human sacrifice pit slated to be built in their neighborhood next year.

The group is demanding that community residents be given preference for jobs in both the construction and operation of the new pit.  

Community elder Cyrus Arwad, 27, touted the fact that the neighborhood has dozens of exceptionally strong men perfectly suited not only for digging the pit but for throwing the human sacrifices into it “and insuring they stay there” while the fires consume them.

The group is also seeking a one-time cash payment and financing for the construction of a new trading post between the textile mill and the silver mine.

The group initially opposed the pit’s construction in the neighborhood on the grounds that it would create “a traffic nightmare” and negatively impact the community’s quality of life due to the pervasive odor of burning flesh and the almost non-stop shrieking of the sacrificed victims.  

Mr. Arwad explained that the group dropped its opposition to the plan “once the city promised to throw money our way.”

Jul 23

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