From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: June 4, 1961

Khrushchev Makes Indecent Proposal to Kennedy: Soviet Premier Tells U.S. Prez: “I Won’t Put Missiles in Cuba If You Let Me Sleep With Your Wife”

VIENNA, Austria - Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev has reportedly offered President John F. Kennedy his solemn pledge to refrain from placing offensive missiles in Cuba if Kennedy will allow him to sleep with his wife, according to sources privy to discussions between the superpower leaders.

It is also being reported that Premier Khrushchev offered his own wife to President Kennedy “for as long as he wants.” However, President Kennedy declined, using his trademark wit and charm. “The President told Mr. Khrushchev that his fields were already plowed and planted, and that he wouldn’t need any beasts of burden in the immediate future.”

According to these same sources, President Kennedy has scheduled an emergency meeting of an executive committee to debate the merits of Chairman Khrushchev’s offer when he returns to Washington, D.C.

Ms. Letitia Baldridge, chief of staff for the First Lady, issued a statement saying that Mrs. Kennedy had not been informed of Mr. Khrushchev’s proposal, but that she would do anything necessary to defuse tensions between the Soviet Union and America.

“Mrs. Kennedy, like every good American, has accepted the challenge issued by her husband in his inaugural address,” it read. “Let the word go forth, from this day forward, Mrs. Kennedy will stay on her back for as long as it takes to satisfy the sexual appetites of the leader of the Communist bloc, in the interest of world peace.”

Jul 17

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