Monthly Archives: July 2008

Obama Renounces Rapper Ludacris For Lyrics Calling Hillary Clinton a “Bitch”

“I told him many times that I think the proper word for her is ‘ho,’” the Illinois Senator said.   

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Posted in Derision 2008, Entertainment, Politics, U.S. News

Bart Starr Tells Packers He’s Coming Back; Hall-of-Famer Says He’s Bored, Itching to Play Again

GREEN BAY – Bart Starr, a seventeenth round draft choice who led the Green Bay Packers to victory in the first two Super Bowls before hanging up his cleats following the 1971 season, is coming out of retirement. Mr. Starr,

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Posted in Sports

McCain Ad Compares Obama to Britney Spears, Warns That if Obama is Elected, “Kevin Federline Will Get Custody of America”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – John McCain released a withering television ad yesterday that compared Barack Obama to pop singer Britney Spears. The ad, set to run in eleven battleground states, intercuts images of Obama and Ms. Spears, known as much for her

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Posted in Politics, Pop Culture, U.S. News

Gabe Kotter, Beloved Teacher Who Gave “Last Lecture” That Inspired Many, Beaten to Death by Students

BROOKLYN – Gabe Kotter, a teenage troublemaker who returned to his former high school to teach a new generation of delinquents and wrote a best-selling book based on his “last lecture,” was beaten to death by a gang of former

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Posted in Local News, U.S. News

5.4-Magnitude Los Angeles Quake Felt Like 13.7 Inside “Earthquake” Thrill Ride

LOS ANGELES – A 5.4-magnitude earthquake struck Southern California yesterday afternoon killing 162 people on the Earthquake Thrill Attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood.  Outisde the Earthquake attraction, the quake caused only moderate damage and no serious injuries, but inside the attraction, which simulates an 8.3-magnitude quake,

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Posted in Science, U.S. News

Obama Camp Accuses McCain of Making Race an Issue With Melanoma Checkup

PHOENIX – The Obama campaign accused John McCain of making race an issue by having a patch of skin removed from his face as a precaution against melanoma.  “It is reprehensible that Senator McCain used this checkup as a backdoor attempt to

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Posted in Derision 2008, Health, Politics, U.S. News

Kane Tops Obama’s VP Short List

“I don’t talk about my conversations with Senator Obama, or with Susan Alexander,” the Virginia Governor said.

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics, U.S. News

House to Issue Formal Apology to African-Americans for Slavery, Jim Crow

Representatives not expected to ask that, in return, African-Americans issue formal thank you to 300,000 dead white Union soldiers

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Posted in History, Politics, U.S. News

Driving bin Laden

Osama bin Laden’s driver, Hoke Colburn, is on trial in Guantanamo Bay military court.

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Posted in International News, Legal News, U.S. News

Female Suicide Bombers Greeted by 55 Virgins Instead of 72; Experts Say Wage Gap to Blame

BAGHDAD – The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts. The

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Posted in Gender News, International News, Religion

Study: “Brownnosing” is Rampant In Middle Management

“I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!” “I want to go to heaven at least as much as he does, if not more!”

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Posted in Business, Religion

Obama Raises “Last Lecture” Professor Randy Pausch From the Dead

Illinois Senator performs his greatest miracle yet; Carbolic Staff Writer John Eleven reports from the scene. PITTSBURGH, PA – When Carnegie Mellon University President Jared Cohon reached the place where Barack Obama was and saw him, he fell at his feet

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Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Beijing to Execute Half Its Population to Reduce Pollution for Olympics

BEIJING – China said that half of the population of Beijing will be executed this week in a move to reduce air pollution in advance of the Olympics, which start August 8.  The executions are expected to reduce by half the 3.3 million cars belching noxious gases

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Posted in Extras, International News

“Indiana Jones” Producer “Pissed” About Shia LaBeouf’s DUI Arrest

The producer, who asked not to be named, explained: “If he wanted to be self-destructive, the time to do it was before the picture was released, and to have it be fatal.  I mean, did this kid learn nothing from the Heath

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Posted in Entertainment, Extras

Bush Slated To Star in “La Cage aux Folles” Off-Broadway Starting January 21

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Posted in Entertainment, U.S. News

Obama Appears at Unity Conference

Presumptive Democratic nominee tells audience, “You’re either with us, or against us”

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Posted in Derision 2008, Media, Politics, U.S. News

Berliners Risk Imprisonment By Shouting “Sieg Heil” at Obama Rally

BERLIN – Buoyed by the deafening cheers of a rapturous crowd estimated at more than 200,000, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama declared to this formerly divided city: “People of Berlin, people of the world, this is our time.”  Many in the jubilant crowd were

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Posted in Derision 2008, Extras, International News, Politics, U.S. News

Darth Vader Diagnosed With Emphysema; Dark Lord of the Sith Forced to Carry Oxygen Tank Around Death Star

DEATH STAR – Darth Vader, Master of the Dark Side, is suffering from the early stages of emphysema.  The diagnosis was made by Death Star physician Dr. Lance Boyle. “Darth has been having trouble breathing for quite some time,” said

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Posted in Extras, Health

Angelina, Brad Want First Dibs to Adopt John Edwards’ Love-Child, “Assuming the Story is True”

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Posted in Entertainment, Life, Politics, U.S. News

Obama In Israel: “I’ve Invited President Ahmadinejad to Dialogue With Us Today. Don’t Worry, He Promises Not to Kill Any of You While He’s Here.”

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Posted in Extras, International News, Politics, U.S. News
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