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Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
“I told him many times that I think the proper word for her is ‘ho,’” the Illinois Senator said.
GREEN BAY - Bart Starr, a seventeenth round draft choice who led the Green Bay Packers to victory in the first two Super Bowls before hanging up his cleats following the 1971 season, is coming out of retirement.
Mr. Starr, who is 78 years old, informed Packers General Manager Ted Thompson of his plans in a phone call late yesterday.
“Bart said he’s been keeping himself in great shape since his playing days ended, and he thinks he wants to unretire. He said he’s pretty bored sitting around the house, waiting to die, and his wife is driving him crazy,” said Thompson. “I told him we were committed to Aaron Rogers at quarterback, and that we were still trying to deal with the news that Brett Favre wants to unretire, and that all this unretirement talk wasn’t good for the franchise, but he didn’t want to hear it. He said he was going to call the Commissioner and see about getting an exemption to play with a walker.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - John McCain released a withering television ad yesterday that compared Barack Obama to pop singer Britney Spears.
The ad, set to run in eleven battleground states, intercuts images of Obama and Ms. Spears, known as much for her erratic off-stage behavior as her singing.
“He’s the biggest celebrity in the world, but is he ready to lead?” the voiceover asks. “And if he’s elected, will Kevin Federline get custody of America?” Federline is the former husband of Britney Spears who was awarded sole custody of the couple’s children.
Gabe Kotter, Beloved Teacher Who Gave “Last Lecture” That Inspired Many, Beaten to Death by Students
BROOKLYN - Gabe Kotter, a teenage troublemaker who returned to his former high school to teach a new generation of delinquents and wrote a best-selling book based on his “last lecture,” was beaten to death by a gang of former students yesterday.
Police have arrested Arnold Horshack of Fire Island, Vinnie Barbarino of Bensonhurst, Frederick Washington, a homeless man, and Juan Epstein of the East Side, and charged them with first degree murder. Authorities said the men were taught by Mr. Kotter over twenty-five years ago, but school records reveal that none of the suspects graduated. Detective Mike Maloney said the men confessed that they were jealous of the notoriety Mr. Kotter had achieved following the news that he was terminally ill.
“Mr. Kot-ter made us sit through those corny speeches every day,” Mr. Washington said in his statement to police. “He bored the hell out of us so bad we all dropped out. We didn’t want him doing that to other kids.”
LOS ANGELES - A 5.4-magnitude earthquake struck Southern California yesterday afternoon killing 162 people on the Earthquake Thrill Attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood.
Outisde the Earthquake attraction, the quake caused only moderate damage and no serious injuries, but inside the attraction, which simulates an 8.3-magnitude quake, the combination of the real and the simulated quakes created a 13.7-magnitude earthquake, the highest ever recorded anywhere. The previous most powerful earthquake was a 9.6-magnitude Chilean earthquake in 1960.
One eyewitness said that the remains of the riders trapped in the attraction ”looked more like pudding than human beings.” They were scooped up and carried out on shovels as thousands of curious riders cued up in lines to enter the attraction. One park official said the tragedy gave the dowager attraction, one of the park’s oldest, much-needed cachet.
PHOENIX - The Obama campaign accused John McCain of making race an issue by having a patch of skin removed from his face as a precaution against melanoma. “It is reprehensible that Senator McCain used this checkup as a backdoor attempt to play on people’s racial prejudices,” said Anita Dunn, a senior Obama aide.
The McCain campaign denied the allegations as “absurd” and issued a statement clarifying the procedure McCain underwent:
“John McCain, the FAIR-SKINNED Senator from Arizona who suffered severe sun damage to his PALE FACE during the 5 1/2 years he spent in Vietnamese prison camps for his fellow Americans, had a small patch of skin removed from his right CAUCASIAN CHEEK yesterday as part of his regular checkups for melanoma, a disease that especially afflicts WHITE PEOPLE, such as Senator John McCain. His skin is now temporarily DISCOLORED in that area, but will return it’s NORMAL, HEALTHY CAUCASIAN COLOR soon.”
“I don’t talk about my conversations with Senator Obama, or with Susan Alexander,” the Virginia Governor said.
Representatives not expected to ask that, in return, African-Americans issue formal thank you to 300,000 dead white Union soldiers
Osama bin Laden’s driver, Hoke Colburn, is on trial in Guantanamo Bay military court.
BAGHDAD - The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts.
The disparity reflects the gender wage gap that pays women only 77% of what men make for doing the same work, according to a spokeswoman for the Iraqi NOW.
A Sunni official denied that the disparity is attributable to discrimination but said it is due to the fact that on average men kill more civilians and blow up more property per suicide than women.
“I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!”
“I want to go to heaven at least as much as he does, if not more!”
Illinois Senator performs his greatest miracle yet; Carbolic Staff Writer John Eleven reports from the scene.
PITTSBURGH, PA - When Carnegie Mellon University President Jared Cohon reached the place where Barack Obama was and saw him, he fell at his feet and said, “Senator, if you had been here, our favorite professor and public relations meal ticket would not have died.”
When Obama saw him weeping, and the administrators and university advancement officials who had come along with him also weeping, the Senator was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. ”Where have you laid him?” he asked.
“Come and see, Senator,” they replied.
Obama wept.
Then the administrators said, “See how he loved him! Just as Oprah did!
BEIJING - China said that half of the population of Beijing will be executed this week in a move to reduce air pollution in advance of the Olympics, which start August 8.
The executions are expected to reduce by half the 3.3 million cars belching noxious gases on Beijing’s roads. Beijing’s air quality is some 40 times worse than the air quality in Los Angeles.
The identities of those to be executed will be determined in a lottery to be conducted Tuesday. The executions will occur Friday.
The announcement surprised some Beijing residents, many of whom expressed disappointment that they may not be around to see the Olympics. But one Beijing man summed up the general mood: “Just knowing the Olympics will be here makes us proud of China, even if China has to kill us.”
The producer, who asked not to be named, explained: “If he wanted to be self-destructive, the time to do it was before the picture was released, and to have it be fatal. I mean, did this kid learn nothing from the Heath Ledger business model?”
Presumptive Democratic nominee tells audience, “You’re either with us, or against us”
BERLIN - Buoyed by the deafening cheers of a rapturous crowd estimated at more than 200,000, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama declared to this formerly divided city: “People of Berlin, people of the world, this is our time.”
Many in the jubilant crowd were so carried away by Obama’s soaring rhetoric that they risked arrest by shouting “Sieg Heil,” a Nazi victory salute that is now outlawed in this nation.
Oskar Hanfstangl, 82, said that he “couldn’t help but” shout the phrase. “I haven’t seen such charisma since . . . .” He cut himself off, fearful of uttering the name “Adolf Hitler” in public. “I meant to say, since the war,” Hanfstangle corrected himself. “I have no idea what [Obama] stands for, in fact none of us do, but what does that matter? We just can’t help but stand up and shout for him,” Hanfstangl said. “Just like we used to do for you-know-who.”
DEATH STAR - Darth Vader, Master of the Dark Side, is suffering from the early stages of emphysema. The diagnosis was made by Death Star physician Dr. Lance Boyle.
“Darth has been having trouble breathing for quite some time,” said Dr. Boyle. “It got to the point where he was having trouble climbing a flight of stairs without complaining of shortness of breath. We had him in this morning for a stress test and some blood work. Then we did an MRI, and it confirmed our worst fears. Darth has emphysema.”
Fortunately for Mr. Vader, the Empire’s benefit package provides “top quality” health care, according to a representative of the Empire’s Human Resource Department. “Mr. Vader is only responsible for his $100 deductible,” she explained. “After that, he can submit everything to major medical.”
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