“I told him many times that I think the proper word for her is ‘ho,’” the Illinois Senator said.
Monthly Archives: July 2008
McCain Ad Compares Obama to Britney Spears, Warns That if Obama is Elected, “Kevin Federline Will Get Custody of America”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – John McCain released a withering television ad yesterday that compared Barack Obama to pop singer Britney Spears. The ad, set to run in eleven battleground states, intercuts images of Obama and Ms. Spears, known as much for her…
Tagged with: Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, McCain, Obama, Sole Custody
Posted in Politics, Pop Culture, U.S. News
Posted in Politics, Pop Culture, U.S. News
Gabe Kotter, Beloved Teacher Who Gave “Last Lecture” That Inspired Many, Beaten to Death by Students
BROOKLYN – Gabe Kotter, a teenage troublemaker who returned to his former high school to teach a new generation of delinquents and wrote a best-selling book based on his “last lecture,” was beaten to death by a gang of former…
5.4-Magnitude Los Angeles Quake Felt Like 13.7 Inside “Earthquake” Thrill Ride
LOS ANGELES - A 5.4-magnitude earthquake struck Southern California yesterday afternoon killing 162 people on the Earthquake Thrill Attraction at Universal Studios Hollywood. Outisde the Earthquake attraction, the quake caused only moderate damage and no serious injuries, but inside the attraction, which simulates an 8.3-magnitude quake,…
Obama Camp Accuses McCain of Making Race an Issue With Melanoma Checkup
PHOENIX - The Obama campaign accused John McCain of making race an issue by having a patch of skin removed from his face as a precaution against melanoma. “It is reprehensible that Senator McCain used this checkup as a backdoor attempt to…
Tagged with: John McCain, Melanoma, Obama, Pale Face, Skin Cancer
Posted in Derision 2008, Health, Politics, U.S. News
Posted in Derision 2008, Health, Politics, U.S. News
House to Issue Formal Apology to African-Americans for Slavery, Jim Crow
Representatives not expected to ask that, in return, African-Americans issue formal thank you to 300,000 dead white Union soldiers
Tagged with: Apologies, Civil War, House of Representatives, Union Dead
Posted in History, Politics, U.S. News
Posted in History, Politics, U.S. News
Driving bin Laden
Osama bin Laden’s driver, Hoke Colburn, is on trial in Guantanamo Bay military court.
Tagged with: Driver, Driving, Hoke, Osama bin Laden, Wheel
Posted in International News, Legal News, U.S. News
Posted in International News, Legal News, U.S. News
Female Suicide Bombers Greeted by 55 Virgins Instead of 72; Experts Say Wage Gap to Blame
BAGHDAD – The four female suicide bombers who struck a Shiite pilgrimage in Baghdad yesterday suffered “a rude awakening” when they entered Paradise and were greeted by only 55 male virgins instead of the 72 female virgins that typically greet their male counterparts. The…
Tagged with: 72 Virgins, Baghdad, Shiite, Suicide Bombers, Wage Gap
Posted in Gender News, International News, Religion
Posted in Gender News, International News, Religion
Study: “Brownnosing” is Rampant In Middle Management
“I definitely want to go to heaven, Holy Father!” “I want to go to heaven at least as much as he does, if not more!”
Beijing to Execute Half Its Population to Reduce Pollution for Olympics
BEIJING – China said that half of the population of Beijing will be executed this week in a move to reduce air pollution in advance of the Olympics, which start August 8. The executions are expected to reduce by half the 3.3 million cars belching noxious gases…
“Indiana Jones” Producer “Pissed” About Shia LaBeouf’s DUI Arrest
The producer, who asked not to be named, explained: “If he wanted to be self-destructive, the time to do it was before the picture was released, and to have it be fatal. I mean, did this kid learn nothing from the Heath…
Tagged with: Assholes Who Try to Kill Themselves, Drunk as a Skunk, DUI, Indiana Jones, Shia LaBeouf
Posted in Entertainment, Extras
Posted in Entertainment, Extras
Darth Vader Diagnosed With Emphysema; Dark Lord of the Sith Forced to Carry Oxygen Tank Around Death Star
DEATH STAR – Darth Vader, Master of the Dark Side, is suffering from the early stages of emphysema. The diagnosis was made by Death Star physician Dr. Lance Boyle. “Darth has been having trouble breathing for quite some time,” said…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
