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Ed McMahon Faces Foreclosure, Holds Out Hope of Winning American Family Publishers’ Sweepstakes

Fan stops McMahon to ask, “What happened to your famous non-stop laughter?” McMahon punches him in mouth

Jun 5

Carbolic Flashback, June 4, 1968: “Live from the Ambassador Hotel”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, The Hon. Rufus Peckham

I am bursting with excitement as I write this! I am in Los Angeles today because I am coordinating tonight’s victory celebration for Sen. Robert F. Kennedy at the Ambassador Hotel. I predict the Senator will score a decisive victory in today’s California primary and that we’ll have reasons-a-plenty to celebrate tonight.

The Senator’s aides wanted the party to be held at the Beverly Hills Hilton because they claimed the “security” is better there, but I prevailed and the party will be here at the Ambassador. (I thought the Senator might enjoy being here because this is the same hotel where Nixon wrote his Checkers speech in 1952.)

Anyway, there is no necessity for “security” of any kind. Up and down the state, the Senator is beloved by everyone. Did President Kennedy have need of security in Dallas, except for one lone nut? The President was beloved by everyone except for Mr. Lee “I Hate President Kennedy” Oswald. I am happy to report that Mr. Oswald is resting six feet under the earth, thanks to Mr. Jack Ruby, so he will not be a threat here tonight. I gave the Kennedy people my word: if the Senator has any need for security at all, I’ll provide it myself. And you heard it here first.

Jun 4

Crosby Caught Plagiarizing Big Motivational Speech

PITTSBURGH, PA - On the plane ride back to Pittsburgh in the wee small hours of the morning following the Pittsburgh Penguins’ victory-for-the-ages over the Detroit Red Wings in game 5 of the Stanley Cup Finals, team captain Sidney Crosby stood up and gave what his teammates thought was a heartfelt, impromptu speech urging them to “get me back to Detroit” for Game 7. Crosby’s emotional plea was met with a tumultuous ovation, and most of the players reportedly had tears in their eyes. It turns out the speech was a fraud.

Crosby lifted it, line for line, from former Pittsburgh Steelers great Jerome “The Bus” Bettis, who delivered it to his teammates before the AFC Championship game in January 2006. Bettis, who had never been to a Super Bowl in his storied career, implored the Steelers to “just get me to Detroit,” his hometown, where Super Bowl XL was to be played.

Crosby implored his teammates to do the same thing for him but didn’t bother attributing the words to Bettis. Some Penguins, speaking on condition of anonymity, said they should have realized “something was off” when Crosby described himself as “a a poor black kid from a Detroit ghetto who grew up to be the fifth leading rusher in NFL history” Penguins’ winger Ryan Malone said he felt Crosby “toyed with my emotions. I started feeling bad for him when he talked about what it meant to grow up poor and black.”

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Jun 4

“It’s Over! It’s Over! It’s Over!”

Senator Clinton says she’ll get her hearing checked right after she wins the nomination

Jun 4

Grief-Stricken Senator Byrd Smothers Senator Kennedy With Pillow, Escapes Hospital By Throwing Water Fountain Through Glass Window

DURHAM, N.C. - Senator Robert Byrd smothered Senator Ted Kennedy with a pillow yesterday, killing the long-time champion of liberalism.

A spokesman for Senator Byrd said that the Senator was under the impression that the doctors at the Duke University Medical Center had performed a lobotomy on his colleague from Massachusetts in an attempt to finally stifle his irrepressible spirit. When Senator Byrd discovered that Senator Kennedy had not received a lobotomy, but had undergone a surgical procedure to remove a malignant brain tumor, he ripped a drinking fountain out of the wall, lifted it over his head and hurled it through a glass window to make his escape.

Chief Surgeon Dr. Joseph Dunn said he discovered Senator Byrd in Senator Kennedy’s room shortly after completion of the operation. “He was wandering around the room, muttering to himself, picking up loose items, looking at them, and putting them down,” said Dr. Dunn. “It’s like he was looking for just the right thing to administer a humane end to the life of a beloved public figure.”

Jun 4

Obama to Divorce His Wife

“Now that I’ve renounced my pastor and quit my church,” the Illinois Senator explained, “I want to get rid of all the crazy, divisive forces in my life.”

Jun 4

Big Brown Says He is a Member of the Nation of Islam, Awaits New Name From the Honorable Elijah Muhammad

BELMONT, N.Y. - Less than one week from the running of the Belmont Stakes, celebrated thoroughbred Big Brown announced that he is a member of the Nation of Islam and that he will no longer be known as Big Brown. The announcement ends weeks of speculation about Big Brown’s association with the radical Islamic sect.

Following his victory in the Kentucky Derby, Brown was seen eating in a downtown Louisville diner with Minister Louis Farrakhan. Prior to the running of the Preakness, Brown was spotted entering a Washington, D.C. mosque. The horse made his announcement though a series of foot-stomps, whinnies and neighs interpreted by his trainer, Angelo Dundee. “He don’t want to be called Big Brown no more,” said Dundee. “He says that’s his slave name.” Dundee said he didn’t care what the horse was called. “After this Saturday, everyone’s going to call him champ.”

Jun 3