McCain said that although his previous White House stint had “slipped his mind,” it does prove his contention that he’s the most experienced candidate in the race.
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- “Alright, I’ve got to sneak in a commercial break, but we’ll be right back with our guest, John McCain, here on the Arsenio Hall Show.”
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VATICAN CITY - The unprecedented outpouring of grief for Tim Russert, the host of NBC’s Meet the Press who died Friday, prompted the Vatican to waive all requirements for sainthood — including the requirement that miracles be attributed to the deceased’s intercession — and canonize him immediately.
An official Vatican statement explained the unusual move: “Even though the vast majority of persons mourning Mr. Russert never watched the esoteric Sunday morning political talk show Meet the Press and most, frankly, probably had never even heard of Mr. Russert until he died, the grieving has become so widespread that it has prompted the Holy See to jump on the lamentation bandwagon and declare him a saint.”
Several unnamed but high-ranking officials at NBC reportedly met Sunday afternoon to discuss how to best use Russert’s status as a saint to help insure the election of Barack Obama.
Jun 16
WASHINGTON, DC - Illinois Senator Barack Obama shocked supporters and pundits alike yesterday when, after a series of gaffes, controversial advisors, and questionable decisions, he renounced himself and disavowed his own campaign.
At a hastily called press conference, the presumptive Democratic nominee read the following prepared statement:
“I am outraged by the mistakes I’ve made and saddened over the spectacle I’ve become. I’ve known myself all my life. The politician I am today isn’t the politician I was 12 years ago. Some of the things I’ve said and done aren’t just divisive and destructive; they’re stupid. I believe they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate. And old-time politics. And hypocritical Democrats who don’t practice what they preach. I believe they don’t portray accurately the perspective of a black candidate. They certainly don’t portray accurately my values and beliefs. At least as I have described them over and over again. And if I think this really is a new kind of politics, then I don’t know myself as well as I thought. And so I renounce myself, and disavow my campaign, in the strongest way possible.”
Jun 13
Craig says he “bent over backwards” for his constituents in the past year, and that the men’s room incident was “blown out of proportion”
Jun 13
WASHINGTON, DC - The CIA revealed that John McCain and the other members of his platoon, including Captain Bennett Marco, pop singer Frank Sinatra and Academy Award-nominated actor Lawrence Harvey, were brainwashed by the Communists while they were prisoners of war in Vietnam in a plot designed to overthrow the United States government.
Sinatra blew the lid off the plot when he reported a recurring nightmare in which McCain killed two members of the platoon with cold-blooded malice.
After an investigation, the CIA determined that the Communists brainwashed McCain to act as a sleeper agent. Communist agents would use a Queen of Diamonds playing card as a trigger to force McCain to obey their commands. McCain’s domineering mother, actress Angela Lansbury, directed the entire plot. Ms. Lansbury, the CIA said, has been working closely with the Communists for 40 years, even while starring in the hit CBS television series “Murder She Wrote.” Ms. Lansbury planned to force McCain to assassinate high ranking government officials so that she could install a pro-Communist in the White House, a so-called “Manchurian candidate.”
Jun 12
Jim Johnson says controversial loan deals, recommendation of Dick Cheney were “obvious mistakes”
Jun 12
Jun 12
“I’m not making this up,” Lee said. ”I know history. And I know that black men have shot lots of people.”
Jun 11
Scientists say they’re a hoax, insist they were made by “clever pranksters” with “a lot of time and shrubbery on their hands”
Jun 11
Jun 10
Rasputin opens barber shop; beloved “Stylist to the Czars” now offering Tonsorial Services for Serfs
ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA - Grigory Rasputin, bon vivant and holy man-about-town, celebrated the grand opening of his new barber shop yesterday by distributing free balloons and haircuts to the first fifty serfs through the door. The shop is conveniently located at the corner of Ivan the Terrible Boulevard and Peter the Great Place.
“Let me tell you, I’m tired,” said Mr. Rasputin, fixing his hypnotic gaze on this reporter as he prepared to close after a long day of trimming, cutting, shaping and styling. “I haven’t worked this hard since last year’s Romanov family picnic.” Mr. Rasputin, who enjoys extraordinary influence with the Tsarina and her family, said the opening of his own barber shop for Russian peasants was the fulfillment of a life-long dream.
Jun 10
GUANTANAMO BAY, CUBA - Khalid Shaikh Mohammad, self-described mastermind of the 9/11 terror attacks, will tell a military judge this morning that he no longer wishes to represent himself at trial. A source close to the proceedings says that Mr. Mohammad has retained the services of attorneys Perry Mason, Matlock, and Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, to handle his defense.
“Khalid is confident he’ll be out on the street planning new terror attacks by Tuesday afternoon,” the source said.
The so-called “Mason, Matlock, Marshall Dream Team” has tried over nine-thousand cases combined in a cumulative career that spans over seven decades of practicing law. They have won acquittals for their clients nine-thousand times. The U.S. attorney prosecuting the case, Hamilton Burger, said he welcomed the challenge of doing battle with Mr. Mason in court. “The government’s case is air-tight,” he said. “I don’t see how we lose.”
Jun 9
VATICAN CITY - Following the Vatican’s statement approving belief in extra-terrestrial life, Pope Benedict XVI said that Mr. Spock, beloved science officer of the Starship USS Enterprise, will be canonized a saint.
Spock qualifies for sainthood due to his martyred death at the conclusion of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, and for performing miracles such as the Vulcan neck pinch, the Vulcan mind meld, and the ability to play convincing scenes with William Shatner.
Spock called the honor “fascinating, but highly illogical.”
A Vatican source revealed that Ben (“Obi-Wan”) Kenobi’s quest for canonization has stalled pending investigation into the lie he told Luke Skywalker about his father’s death.
Jun 6
“Eviction Footage” to air this fall on “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes”
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Reports that former Tonight Show announcer Ed McMahon was in danger of losing his multi-million dollar home to foreclosure were fabricated, it was revealed today by Mr. McMahon’s long-time friend, Dick Clark. “I set up the whole thing so we could use it on a new season of our show,” said Mr. Clark. Mr. Clark and Mr. McMahon share hosting duties for a program on the NBC television network entitled “TV’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes.” The show has been cancelled twelve times in the past twelve years.
“We spent months putting this thing together,” chuckled Mr. Clark. “The diversion of funds from his bank account that he thought was going toward his mortgage, the threatening letters, the late-night phone calls demanding immediate payment, the phony eviction notice, not to mention hiring the actors to play sheriff’s deputies in charge of throwing Ed and his family out into the street. It was hilarious, and viewers are going to be able to watch the whole thing on our first show.”
Jun 6
WASHINGTON, DC - The Department of Justice has concluded that John McCain is ineligible to be elected President, because federal records reveal he already served two full terms as Commander-in-Chief from 1792-1800.
Jun 6
NEW YORK, N.Y. - It’s time to reopen the Statue of Liberty’s vagina to the public, says Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Poughkeepsie).
In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, the National Park Service installed a heavy-gauge steel chastity device to keep the anatomically correct Lady Liberty from being violated by terrorist projectiles.
“We were scared witless that the Lady might be captured by Islamic Fascists who would have their way with her,” explained National Park Service Director Noah Swayne. “One can only imagine the diseases those Mideastern fanatics would have transmitted with their big, ugly missiles.”
Jun 6
PITTSBURGH, PA - Noah Swayne was a man of multi-faceted accomplishments but the one thing he could not do was bake. “It’s one of history’s great ironies that a man who could not bake is responsible for the quitessential American dessert, apple pie,” said President Bush in a statement released shortly after Mr. Swayne’s death yesterday at 86.
“He loved apples, and he loved pie, and one day he said, ‘I’m going to combine the two,’” explained his widow, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne. “We all thought he’d flipped. But Noah had a vision, and he went after it.”
Jun 6
“It smells like it’s never been washed,” said Red Wings’ captain Nicklas Lidstrom
Jun 5
Jun 5
“He should be around through August, at least,” doctor says
Jun 5
“You knew it would happen eventually,” the Illinois Senator said
Jun 5
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