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- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
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- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
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Reports From the Trail
“I’m for unity and all that crap, but no, I will not do the fist bump with you.”
“Remember…the Force will be with you…always.”
Patriarch Vito Corleone says he hopes high court’s decision will also extend to cannoli
NBC, CBS, ABC to celebrate George Carlin’s legacy with special episodes of “Law and F*#@ing Order,” “How I Met Your Motherf*#@er,” and “Shit! I’m Lost!”
Several pachyderms days away from giving birth, will raise their babies together
Massachusetts high school boys get wind of plan; 472 sign up to assist.
Presumptive Republican nominee also says prizes on “Jeopardy” need to be “jacked up,” calls them a “national disgrace”
MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) - Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband’s organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.
It is the policy of this news outlet not to publish the names of victims of sexual assault, so the nickname Mr. Bobbitt gave his penis will not be printed.
Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt’s not-so-massive manhood. They miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage. Police were able to restore the penis to normal size “and then some” by assigning it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.
“Hillary will be the nominee, and Obama can be her running mate. Then, eight years from now, Hillary will support Obama for President. No, we’re perfectly serious.“
WASHINGTON, DC - Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation’s capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for “Meet the Press” host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.
“We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable,” said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. “Do you think they’d start me at what he was making?”
The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations. Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.
“He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don’t have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they’re at least going to look at my audition tapes,” Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.
CEDAR RAPIDS, IA - President Bush visited flood-ravaged areas of Iowa today and, after catching a wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state a federal recreation area. ”Iowans should be proud,” the President said. ”This is some great surfing, dude. It’s awesome.”
MAKE-BELIEVE, PA - King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.
“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”
In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.
BEVERLY HILLS, CA - President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett’s irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit.
Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.
Illinois Senator says he’ll “reach out” to black mothers; vows to “personally fill as many of those voids as I can”
Weekend’s other big headlines: “All About Eve” tops at box office; President Truman announces plans to send air and naval forces to defend South Korea
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