Clinton, Obama Share Intimate Moment at Unity Rally

“I’m for unity and all that crap, but no, I will not do the fist bump with you.”

Jun 30

Disembodied Voice of Tim Russert Guides Interim “Meet the Press” Host

“Remember…the Force will be with you…always.” 

Jun 30

D.C. Residents Celebrate Supreme Court Decision Upholding Right to Bear Arms

Jun 27

Corleone Family Applauds Supreme Court Decision Upholding Right to Bear Arms

Patriarch Vito Corleone says he hopes high court’s decision will also extend to cannoli

Jun 27

Networks Plan Carlin Tribute

NBC, CBS, ABC to celebrate George Carlin’s legacy with special episodes of “Law and F*#@ing Order,” “How I Met Your Motherf*#@er,” and “Shit! I’m Lost!”

Jun 26

Massachusetts Zoo Officials: Female Elephants Planned to Get Pregnant at Same Time

Several pachyderms days away from giving birth, will raise their babies together

Jun 26

17 Massachusetts High School Girls Enter Into “Pregnancy Pact”

Massachusetts high school boys get wind of plan; 472 sign up to assist.

Jun 25

McCain Calls for $300 Million Prize to Cure Jowls

Presumptive Republican nominee also says prizes on “Jeopardy” need to be “jacked up,” calls them a “national disgrace”

Jun 24

FCC Bans Seven Words From Carlin’s Tombstone

Jun 24

Clintons Offer Plan to Unite the Democratic Party

“Hillary will be the nominee, and Obama can be her running mate.  Then, eight years from now, Hillary will support Obama for President.  No, we’re perfectly serious.“

Jun 23

Emotional Journalists Mourn Tim Russert, Apply for His Job

WASHINGTON, DC – Journalists from around the nation converged on the nation’s capital yesterday to attend a memorial service for “Meet the Press” host Tim Russert and then applied for his job.

“We have lost a valued colleague and role model whose legacy of fairness and tenacity are irreplaceable,” said one newsman, wiping tears from his face during the gathering at Kennedy Center. “Do you think they’d start me at what he was making?”

The grief hit especially hard at out-of-town newsmen from medium market stations.  Les Williams, anchor at WJLJ in Bismarck, N.D., said he spoke for many when he said Russert was viewed as a guiding figure on which to model countless careers.

“He had this direct lighting about him. It hid the double chin and made his hair look fuller. We don’t have the crew for that sort of thing in Bismarck. God I hope they’re at least going to look at my audition tapes,” Williams said, pocketing a dozen funeral cards to impress his children and colleagues back in North Dakota.

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Jun 20

Bush Declares Iowa Federal Recreation Area

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA – President Bush visited flood-ravaged areas of Iowa today and, after catching a wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state a federal recreation area.  ”Iowans should be proud,” the President said.  ”This is some great surfing, dude.  It’s awesome.” 

Jun 20

Non-Stop Mourning Continues; Grief-Stricken Tiger Woods “Can’t Go On,” Will Take Rest of Year Off to Lament Tim Russert’s Death

 

Jun 19

Experts Chime in on Bush’s Call to End Offshore Drilling Ban

Jun 19

Michelle Obama Co-Hosts “The View,” Tells Audience: “For the First Time in My Adult Lifetime, I’m Really Proud of ABC”

Jun 19

PBS Kicks Mr. Rogers Off Air; Neighborhood of Make-Believe Faces Economic Collapse

MAKE-BELIEVE, PA – King Friday XIII, Monarch of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, said today that PBS’ decision to eliminate Mr. Rogers from its daily schedule will have a “catastrophic effect” on the municipality’s finances.

“The neighborhood has been designated as blighted, and we may soon be forced to file for bankruptcy protection,” the King said. Maintenance of the neighborhood’s iconic trolley has been cut back and, according to Friday, passengers are being told to “ride at their own risk.”

In the wake of PBS’ announcement, crime has spiked and unemployment is expected to rise to 100%. Several Wall Street firms have announced that unless the Neighborhood institutes a 10% Milk and Juice tax, they will be forced to downgrade its bond rating to rock-bottom levels.

Jun 18

Bush Begs Jed Clampett to Increase Production; Prez Says Americans Need More Black Gold, Texas Tea

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – President Bush met with oilman Jed Clampett at his Beverly Hills Estate yesterday to appeal for an increase in production at Mr. Clampett’s backwoods refinery. Mr. Clampett, a once-poor mountaineer who barely kept his family fed, discussed the matter with the President over a dinner of hog jowls and squirrel stew in the fancy eating room. The meal was prepared by Mr. Clampett’s irascible mother-in-law, Granny. Ms. Granny presented the President with a bottle of her home-brewed rheumatism medicine as a souvenir of his visit. 

Both men met with reporters at the cement pond following the meal. “With the heavy driving season coming on, Americans are in desperate need of additional black gold, or, if you prefer, Texas tea, to get them to their vacation destinations,” said the President. “I’m confident that Uncle Jed, and the many fine employees of Clampett Oil will be able to fulfill this need.” Mr. Clampett uttered a cryptic response to the President’s appeal. “Whew, doggie,” he said, before returning to his whittling.

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Jun 18

Obama Disavows Black Fathers, Says They’re “Missing From Too Many Lives and Too Many Homes”

Illinois Senator says he’ll “reach out” to black mothers; vows to “personally fill as many of those voids as I can”


Jun 17

“South Pacific” Wins 5 Tony Awards

Weekend’s other big headlines: “All About Eve” tops at box office; President Truman announces plans to send air and naval forces to defend South Korea

Jun 16

Vatican Alters Policy, Canonizes Russert Immediately

VATICAN CITY - The unprecedented outpouring of grief for Tim Russert, the host of NBC’s Meet the Press who died Friday, prompted the Vatican to waive all requirements for sainthood — including the requirement that miracles be attributed to the deceased’s intercession — and canonize him immediately.

An official Vatican statement explained the unusual move: “Even though the vast majority of persons mourning Mr. Russert never watched the esoteric Sunday morning political talk show Meet the Press and most, frankly, probably had never even heard of Mr. Russert until he died, the grieving has become so widespread that it has prompted the Holy See to jump on the lamentation bandwagon and declare him a saint.”

Several unnamed but high-ranking officials at NBC reportedly met Sunday afternoon to discuss how to best use Russert’s status as a saint to help insure the election of Barack Obama.

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Jun 16

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