GM Declares Employee ‘Buyout’ a Success, Plans New Employee ‘Giveaway’

DETROIT - General Motors Corporation’s employee buyout was a greater success than anticipated, with some 19,000 employees opting for a buyout or early retirement.

To further reduce headcount, GM announced today that starting July 1, it will throw in one GM employee with every new car sold. Some larger model SUV’s and Cadillacs will come with two employees.

“This not only will make the customer feel as if he is getting something for free, it will help reduce GM’s crippling labor costs,” said Velveeta Lugosi, a company spokeswoman. “The only thing that consumers will need to watch for is that some of these employees have a kind of union mentality and sometimes talk like they’re Che Guevara or something. We suggest that the consumer keep that kind of employee locked in the basement, for obvious reasons.”

May 30

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