Six-Year-Old: “Obama Fondled My Breast!”

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. -  The parents of a six-year-old New Mexico girl today accused Illinois Senator Barack Obama of inappropriately touching their daughter during a recent campaign stop in Albuquerque.

“Senator Obama fondled my daughter’s breast,” said an angry Noah Swayne as he emerged from Albuquerque Police Headquarters. “I knew the man wasn’t a patriot, but I had no idea he was such a pervert.”

The girl’s mother, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, showed reporters a digital photo she took of the alleged molestation. “He walked up to her and said, ‘Hi, sweetie,’” Ms. Lugosi-Swayne explained, “and the next thing we knew, his hands were all over her chest.”

The Swaynes, who said they were late for an appointment with their lawyer, declined further comment. Albuquerque Police would only say they were “investigating whether the big, scary black man really did molest that poor, helpless little white girl.”

A few minutes after the Swaynes filed their police report, the National Organization for Women released a statement demanding that Senator Obama withdraw from the presidential race. “We don’t know for sure that he sexually assaulted that child,” NOW President Kim Gandy said, “but we’re going to assume that he did. And we certainly don’t want another predatory male in the White House.”

Senator Hillary Clinton, asked about the emerging scandal at a campaign appearance in Puerto Rico, let out a small yelp and declared, “This is exactly why I’ve been hanging around. Assassination, molestation — they’re all the same to me!”

Senator Obama, who was believed to be seeking guidance from his new spiritual advisor, could not be reached for comment. A campaign spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, promised that the Senator would address the controversy next week with a “landmark speech on rape.”

May 28

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