-
Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
-
Departments
-
Carbolic Archives
-
Search
Reports From the Trail
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said Thursday that he is “deeply disappointed” by supporter Rev. Michael Pfleger’s remarks that mocked Hillary Rodham Clinton. Pfleger is the 4,092nd person Obama has distanced himself from in the past month, starting with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright and including Obama’s wife Michelle.
“I was going to say that Father Pfleger’s divisive, backward-looking rhetoric doesn’t reflect the country I see,” Obama said in what supporters dubbed a landmark speech on distancing oneself. “I was going to say that Father Pfleger is like a crazy old uncle who says things I don’t agree with. But the fact is, how many crazy old uncles can a person have? Reverend Wright was like a crazy old uncle; my wife was like a crazy old uncle — if I’m to be believed, I’ve got thousands of crazy old uncles. I mean, let’s get real — nobody has that many uncles.
Coffee-and-pastry chain also scraps plans to sell “Islamic Crescent Rolls,” “Al Qaeda Coffee Cakes”
DETROIT - General Motors Corporation’s employee buyout was a greater success than anticipated, with some 19,000 employees opting for a buyout or early retirement.
To further reduce headcount, GM announced today that starting July 1, it will throw in one GM employee with every new car sold. Some larger model SUV’s and Cadillacs will come with two employees.
“This not only will make the customer feel as if he is getting something for free, it will help reduce GM’s crippling labor costs,” said Velveeta Lugosi, a company spokeswoman. “The only thing that consumers will need to watch for is that some of these employees have a kind of union mentality and sometimes talk like they’re Che Guevara or something. We suggest that the consumer keep that kind of employee locked in the basement, for obvious reasons.”
Thanks to the promotion, 500 local Ku Klux Klan members get a chance to attend their first hockey game
“Now that I’m selling a book for $27.95, you can totally believe me. Really. I swear.”
Nutball, the sport popularized by the MTV television series Jackass, was recognized as an official Olympic sport yesterday, just in time for the summer games in Beijing. Nutball requires between two and twelve players to sit on the floor facing each other with legs spread apart. Players taks turns tossing a ball at opponents’ testicles. Players are eliminated when they can no longer withstand the pain. The last player remaining wins.
The sport achieved widespread popularity on U.S. college campuses starting in the late 1990s, but most Nutball teams eventually fell victim to the Federal Title IX’s elimination of thousands of men’s sports teams in the interest of achieving gender equality. Many colleges tried to field women’s Nutball teams but quickly found that the games never ended because no players were ever eliminated.
In an official statement, the Chinese government welcomed Nutball’s inclusion in the Olympic games and lauded the “refreshing spirit of sadistic torture that sets this highly amusing sport apart from the typical dull Western fare where no one gets hurt.”
Candidates declare “those things should stay where they belong — in the sermons of Christian pastors”
In final scene, Carrie dons apron and pearls, serves dinner to Ward, Wally, and Beaver
ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. - The parents of a six-year-old New Mexico girl today accused Illinois Senator Barack Obama of inappropriately touching their daughter during a recent campaign stop in Albuquerque.
“Senator Obama fondled my daughter’s breast,” said an angry Noah Swayne as he emerged from Albuquerque Police Headquarters. “I knew the man wasn’t a patriot, but I had no idea he was such a pervert.”
The girl’s mother, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, showed reporters a digital photo she took of the alleged molestation. “He walked up to her and said, ‘Hi, sweetie,’” Ms. Lugosi-Swayne explained, “and the next thing we knew, his hands were all over her chest.”
“This wreath is a solemn reminder,” the President said, “of the sacrifices we’ve all made for the war.”
MIDDLETOWN, CT - On Saturday afternoon, Barack Obama stood in for Senator Edward Kennedy, who was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor last week, and delivered the commencement address at Wesleyan University.
On Saturday night, Obama filled in for Kennedy by taking over his rounds carousing at more than a dozen Boston taverns, hitting on young women at each of them.
“I am honored that my mentor, a true champion of the poor and the thirsty, asked me to fill in for him during a time of need,” Obama told tavern patrons at The Quill, a Boston establishment. Obama gulped down a beer, then turned to three young women to ask for their phone numbers.
WASHINGTON, D.C. -Hillary Clinton said she could not understand calls for her to quit the presidential race, arguing that history has shown that “something might happen” to the frontrunner.
“Senator Obama might be run over by a bus,” she explained. ”Or he might spontaneously combust. He might be gunned down by vicious gangs, because we all know how those people are. A meteor might hit him. And, of course, some crazy bitch might come after him with a meat cleaver while they’re debating.”
“One way or another,” she added, “I’m going to get this nomination whether the voters like it or not.”
New York Senator laments, “This is where Senator Obama might be shortly, which is why I’m staying in the race.”
“One for every time Michelle has been proud of America,” the Illinois Senator explained.
Illinois Senator calls David Archuleta the “perfect choice” to join him on a platform of “change, hope, and phony earnestness”
-
About Carbolic
“One of America’s great web sites.” - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“The city’s equivalent of The Onion.” - The New York Times
Carbolic on Air
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report airs every Friday — mornings with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann, afternoons with Sean McDowell — on Pittsburgh’s top-rated radio station, 102.5 WDVE. Listen to the broadcasts here, and sample the archives here.
Carbolic in Print
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Page publishes every Monday in the Trib p.m., the afternoon edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Read this week's copy here, and browse our archives here.
Contact Carbolic
thecarbolicsmokeball@gmail.com
Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff
Tim Murray, Founder/Editor-in-Chief
Bob Haas, Editor
Chad Hermann, Editorial Director
• • •
Sean Cannon, Ace Reporter
Neal Rosenblat, Writer/Designer
Todd Shaffer, Staff Writer
• • •
Timothy Stefko, Illustrator
The Voice, Radio Correspondent
The Mayor, Radio Personality
• • •
The Hon. Judge Rufus Peckham, Founder EmeritusCarbolic Wear
Carbolic WDVE Podcast
