Monthly Archives: May 2008

Obama Distances Self From Yet Another Supporter, Bringing Total to 4,092

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS – Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said Thursday that he is “deeply disappointed” by supporter Rev. Michael Pfleger’s remarks that mocked Hillary Rodham Clinton. Pfleger is the 4,092nd person Obama has distanced himself from in the past month, starting with

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

Dunkin Donuts Pulls Controversial Rachel Ray “Muslim Scarf” Ad

Coffee-and-pastry chain also scraps plans to sell “Islamic Crescent Rolls,” “Al Qaeda Coffee Cakes”

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Posted in Business

GM Declares Employee ‘Buyout’ a Success, Plans New Employee ‘Giveaway’

DETROIT – General Motors Corporation’s employee buyout was a greater success than anticipated, with some 19,000 employees opting for a buyout or early retirement. To further reduce headcount, GM announced today that starting July 1, it will throw in one GM

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Pittsburgh Penguins Stage “White Out” For Stanley Cup Finals Game

Thanks to the promotion, 500 local Ku Klux Klan members get a chance to attend their first hockey game

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Posted in Sports

Scott McClellan: “Believe What I Say Now, Not What I Said All Those Times Back Then”

“Now that I’m selling a book for $27.95, you can totally believe me. Really. I swear.”

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Posted in Politics

“Nutball” Finally Recognized as Olympic Sport

Nutball, the sport popularized by the MTV television series Jackass, was recognized as an official Olympic sport yesterday, just in time for the summer games in Beijing. Nutball requires between two and twelve players to sit on the floor facing each

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Posted in Sports

McCain, Obama Agree: Hatred, Prejudice Have No Place in Presidential Campaign

Candidates declare “those things should stay where they belong — in the sermons of Christian pastors”

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics

“Sex and the City” Spoiler: Carrie Renounces Feminism, Runs Off to Marry Hugh Beaumont

In final scene, Carrie dons apron and pearls, serves dinner to Ward, Wally, and Beaver

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Posted in Pop Culture

Obama to Kennedy: “When you get to Heaven, can you ask your brothers to endorse me?

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Posted in Politics

Six-Year-Old: “Obama Fondled My Breast!”

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. –  The parents of a six-year-old New Mexico girl today accused Illinois Senator Barack Obama of inappropriately touching their daughter during a recent campaign stop in Albuquerque. “Senator Obama fondled my daughter’s breast,” said an angry Noah Swayne

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Posted in Politics

Bush Lays “Very Personal” Memorial at Arlington National Cemetery

“This wreath is a solemn reminder,” the President said, “of the sacrifices we’ve all made for the war.”

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Posted in Politics

Obama Fills in For Kennedy Delivering Commencement Address, Carousing at Bars, Hitting on Women

MIDDLETOWN, CT – On Saturday afternoon, Barack Obama stood in for Senator Edward Kennedy, who was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor last week, and delivered the commencement address at Wesleyan University.  On Saturday night, Obama filled in for Kennedy

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Posted in Politics

Clinton: “You never know what might happen… Some crazy bitch might come after him with a cleaver while the two of them are debating”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -Hillary Clinton said she could not understand calls for her to quit the presidential race, arguing that history has shown that “something might   happen” to the frontrunner. “Senator Obama might be run over by a bus,” she explained.

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Posted in Politics

Clinton Visits Arlington Cemetery

New York Senator laments, “This is where Senator Obama might be shortly, which is why I’m staying in the race.”

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Posted in Politics

Obama Lays Single Flower at Memorial Day Service

“One for every time Michelle has been proud of America,” the Illinois Senator explained.

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Posted in Politics

Obama’s Top Choice for a Running Mate: That Annoying Kid from “American Idol”

Illinois Senator calls David Archuleta the “perfect choice” to join him on a platform of “change, hope, and phony earnestness”

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Posted in Derision 2008, Entertainment, Politics, Pop Culture, U.S. News

Campaign Trail Miracle: Obama Touches Liberty Bell, Heals Crack

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Posted in Derision 2008, Politics
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